Suitability?

Hello my poor neglected blog.

It’s not that I haven’t been thinking of you, I have, really I have, but I’ve also been hurting a lot – so I would either have come here to whine  at you about how much people have been hurting me, and why do people act the way they do, or else with a disconnected mess of head-wool (which is all I have at the moment)

It is the end of the school year.

Wow.

Ok. This is getting scary now. My little girl is going into grade 6 next year. Grade bloody SIX. I remember that year SO WELL.

And then to High School. But before I need a paper bag to breathe into and several Valium, I’ll just reign all of the mother angst in to write about last nights school break up church service.

Maybe it was because I was used to Speech Night in junior school which was all concerty and special and every year did a song and a skit thing, and the grade 6′s were given their end of primary school certificates and it was all very special and well, kind of huge.

Maybe it was because I was used to a massive Carol service at St Pauls in the city for Senior School with beautiful music and being a part of the choir.

Maybe its just because after growing up around priests and churches I expect a little more.

Maybe I’ve been spoilt by private schools.

I’m willing to take all of this into account.

But at what was meant to be an “End of Year Celebration and Thank You mass for teachers and families who are leaving the school and a farewell for the grade six students” I think it fell, well, pretty flat.

Firstly – no carols – in my book, if you want to keep kids entertained and its near christmas throw in some carols, if you want any parents to sing at all make sure the hymns aren’t all in the highest octave possible. Oh, and maybe make some of them recognisable?

Secondly – overhead projectors *sigh* I have issues with these in churches – always have – have never seen the harm in giving out an order of service and a hymn book for people to follow from their seat – but if the overhead projection is good then go for it – if the slides aren’t that great and aren’t even all on the screen – maybe you need someone else to do it – and no it wasn’t a child who had done it – there is no way even I am that harsh – that would be endearing :)

Thirdly- Unpreparedness – the grade sixes didn’t know what was going on, weren’t sitting together and all looked rather surprised when called out the front to receive their certificate/booklet thing.

And my main problem – the Sermon – not a Joyous you are all wonderful, it’s a happy time of year sermon, not a we’ll be sad to see you go…no…the preist chose to talk about Mikayla Francis

which yes, is very important, and yes, is very sad, but is it appropriate for a service that is meant to be a celebration?

And do children of ages 4 and up need to hear how quickly she died and how she died and how wonderful she was because she said “Heaven will be awesome”?

And the connection between this and the children leaving the school?  non existant.

And now – when those grade sixes look back on finishing primary school and being given their special certificates and their special day they get to remember that a little girl died and thought heaven would be awesome.

I understand why the priest wanted to speak about this – but surely it was something that could have waited until the weekend? surely these children should be allowed one evening that is just about them and not about others?  I mean the service already had a goodly proportion of thinking about others – families brought gifts to be donated to charity and there was a collection for the churches sister parish overseas with in-depth explanation. But half an hour about the death of a seven year old? It was a bit much even for me…

Am I just overreacting in my typical “I know how much it upset me and I’m an adult wouldn’t it suck if I was a child” way? Or should children always have to think of the ‘bigger picture’ no matter what the situation?

 

The Bunnies of Laughter or You could have Somebody’s Eye out with that!

Its all fun and games until....

So, To be completely out of synch with the last few blogs here was the most brilliant moment from today…

Bub 1 and Bub 2 have recently received 2 bunnies.

2 Female bunnies.

One is a big brown furry splodge, the kind of rabbit that would be lying on the couch or the beach, sipping a coffee and watching a DVD on its weekend off (if it were able of human like things)

One is a little black lithe thing – that could quite easily be imagined to be in full “tennis mum” kit every day – with little white skirt, polo shirt, sweatband, wristbands, pom pom socks and all (yes I have an overactive imagination).

And this morning Bub 2 came to DOC with these immortal words “(tennis mum bunny) keeps trying to hump (sloth bunny)”

DOC asked if he was sure, he said yes and upon further questioning Bub 2 decided that they were Lesbian Bunnies. Again – his own words.

So DOC – not being sure if there was such a thing went to check on the situation and upon *ahem* examination they appeared the same.

Which required Googling.

Which resulted in discovering both bloody sexes are the same until the boy gets testicles at any time up to 20 weeks unless you perform some kind of internal exam type thing (am not going to explain – there is a link here if you are that interested – needless to say it feels VERY, VERY WRONG.)

And as it appeared they were both female after that investigation – this required more Googling – which led to a useful page about pairing rabbits by “The Colorado House Rabbit Society”, as all rabbits need friends.

First it told us the “humping” was normal, and could be motivated by dominance (which as Sloth bunny is twice the size of tennis bunny I fully accept) or Sexuality or Affection (which is kind of sweet really and had me thinking, “Oh good I can tell them it’s just the rabbits having a wrestle or a special hug to show each other they love one another or because they are trying to work out who is stronger – you know, as you do, before you remember that your 8-year-old already recognised it as Lesbian Sex)

But then, Oh dear, then I came to the section that made me laugh more than I have in months.

If you follow the link at the bottom of the page to the site, look under “Dominance Displays” there will be  this line which made me fall over (literally) with tears streaming from my eyes…

“Do not allow the male to mount the female’s head if you can’t see her nose poking out from under him.”

Just like that – Bold Italic and everything…And the reason? Not because no rabbit likes to be “mounted” in the head – oh no but because

“If she doesn’t like what he is doing, she may bite his penis”.

I think there is a lesson in this for females everywhere.

(oh, and how do we deal with this rather “tricky” situation of mounting as far as the “Colorado House Rabbit Society” is concerned?

“If he tries to mount her head, push him gently so her nose is sticking out or so he is mounting her shoulder.”

Not just pull him off. No, no that would impair the close bonding developed by a guy trying to shove something into your eye that doesn’t belong there because he can’t tell one end of you from the other)

I just couldn’t leave this gem out – this too had both DOC and I in near hysterics -

“Sometimes the two rabbits will each begin trying to mount each other, causing them to circle, head to tail. This must be broken up immediately. Each rabbit is getting frustrated, dizzy, and angry!” Now tell me that, in abstract isn’t just a little bit funny?

Incidentally – all credit to the “Colorado House Rabbit Society” they have provided a very informative page on the pairing of Rabbits thank you for the info and thank you for the laughter.

A post that is not all about Acting but In which there is Gnashing of Teeth and a longing for 38point Bold

Okay – so here is the deal…I was studying, at some acting classes I thought would be excellent for me.

They weren’t.

They made my mental state very torrid and very tortured.

I chose to go to them for many reasons – such as not totally full time and a different approach as opposed to here Australian Academy of Dramatic Art.

I deferred for a semester, thinking if the classes didn’t work out I could go there mid-year.
I was very glad I did this when they told me that they were having a mid year intake and the Acting Classes I was in had driven me over the edge, dangling by a very, very fine thread.

I was not so glad when they told me that most likely they won’t be having an intake till next year – not enough students to make a worthwhile ensemble – makes perfect sense, can’t fault them for it, it is thoughtful and shows they are not all about money but instead a good acting course.

Problem being I was counting on that course for a social circle, for friendships outside of my very little real world consisting of five, on a good day.

I was counting on it for the opportunity to do something I loved, for free, and now I feel massively bereft.

I have enrolled in part time classes here The Actors Centre – which will be fantastic as it is the school I desperately want to attend on a full time basis – but they are only

1. a couple of nights a week

2. going to cost money

3.don’t start till the end of July.

In addition to this I have had DOC rushed to hospital after injuring his thigh (turned out to be nothing too major but made me realise how alone I am here – how much of a lack of actual REAL support I have),

I have been unwell and then rushed to hospital after passing out through drinking 8-10L of water a day for two weeks (made me realise that my GP when he said there was no upper limit to how much I can drink – is a fool ),

I have an infected toenail which means (oh joy) podiatrist tomorrow and, probably, (oh joy) nail removal (did I mention my Mum was a podiatrist and used to deal with my ingrown toenails with NO ANESTHETIC so now people touching my feet when they hurt freaks me out),

someone has made a DESIGNER SNUGGIE,

Have had several huge fights with DOC,

have realised that my children’s school for many reasons for want of a long explanation , sucks,

I have Seasonal Adjustment Disorder,

I am pre-menstrual

and now, NOW the fricking flat we are living in, which has a BILLION features that reminds me of my father’s house and thus triggers flashbacks and Very Bad Memories at every opportunity has Black Mold, severe Black Mold – the kind that makes you sick Black Mold IN EVERY ROOM BUT THE BATHROOM, oh and the fusebox sparks and burns fuses….

it is ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH (in 29 point bold).

Oh and did I mention we have no money to move house and are not eligible for the bond loan again till next year, it seems, in NSW.

And I am well aware my problems and crapness of life is nothing compared to others. But I am not others, I am me.

So here I am, Sitting in bed. Wondering what the hell to do.

Do I give up on The Actors Centre as I think I am not an Actors Centre girl – I didn’t get into there at the end of last year and I’m not overly confident and beautiful, as they all seem to be.

Do I stay in Sydney and go to AADA, which would be free, but was always felt like a kind of back up till I got into The Actors Centre.

Do I audition for National Theatre School – the only option left in Melbourne, thanks to Melbourne Uni and what they have done to the VCA,

(only the Nat and I have a history, auditioned twice and gotten in only to have to essentially pull out – once due to money being an issue, once due to having my heart broken and not being fit to breathe and think let alone act). – but it would mean being in Melbourne, I have family there, family who would help out if I needed them. Or are just a comfort by being. I know the schools, I know the doctors, I know the areas to live in.

Essentially I am terrified.

I want so much.

I want to be living somewhere non mouldy and non memory triggering. I want to be at an Acting school that I love. I want to be healthy and happy. truly happy. I want to feel like my life is not a living hell.

So what do I do? any help? advice? similar situations? Anyone know the way out of mental hell?

Something Missing

So, here is part of what has been making Sydney difficult and making me long for Melbourne….

This is not an anti-Sydney rant, In fact if anyone reading this knows any way I can work these things out it would be most appreciated.

So, In no particular order -

How Sydney has been making my life more difficult than it needs to.

1. I need help psychologically- my children need help psychologically. In Melbourne they were seeing someone at the childrens hospital and it was fantastic and inexpensive. In Melbourne I had a good psychologist, and the public system, while it had a wait list they really tried to help.

In Sydney my children can’t get help at the kids hospital, in fact all they have been offered is family therapy – great- but my daughter won’t talk infront of us about everything that makes her feel awful.

In Sydney I am on a waiting list for public mental health that may not be able to help. Finding support for my family who have to deal with me has been very difficult too, in fact, nothing yet- and I’ve been looking since I arrived here.

2. In Melbourne I knew public transport and it went to all  places within a 20km radius of the city with minimal walking.

In sydney the trains don’t run on weekends, the buses are early or late, if anyone can explain the zone system to me I would be amazed and there are huge areas not covered by it. This makes my life hell. As I don’t have a car. Apparently everyone in Sydney must have a car.

3. In Melbourne they are BIG M’s. In Sydney they are MOOVE…Seriously MOOVE? also low fat. Enough said.**

4. In Sydney no one really notices you in public. I used to love this. Now I miss the Melbourne nods of acknowledgement.

5. In Melbourne there were government payments to help with the cost of school (it being government funded and all) and many parental support programs.

In sydney this scheme does not exisit and I’m worried about paying for their holiday program which they need desperately. Parental support programs none I have found so far.

Sydney you are beautiful and distant, you are wise and kind of hip. Melbourne you are comfortable and warm, bohemian and funky….

and if anyone knows where I can find some touches of Melbourne up here, Please let me know. I want to feel at least a little at home.

** does anyone else remember the vanilla “Mr Men” milk? – early 80′s? That was great, that was. Nom nom nom

The Secret Post Club and HUG! @MissSearlescouk

Today I got a parcel.

Today I got a parcel from secret post club if you want to join (it is much fun, and run by lovely Heather – check out “Notes from Lapland” here .

Today I got a truly lovely parcel from someone who I’ve never met yet seems to know me far too well.

From the lovely Charlotte or MissSearles ( You can find her blog here and her gorgeous soon to be shop here)

It was beautifully wrapped and in a box and everything :) (very impressed) and inside were these :-

GLEE!!!!!

A beautiful Handmade envelope :)

A lovely handmade card and note :)

The sweetest little hand painted wooden chickens (Bub 1 has claimed the pink one now named Bock Bock and Bub 2 the purple one named Little Bock)

And My Favorite and My Best, is this little creature – who I have named “Hug” – because that is what he looks like.

Don’t know how Charlotte knew this but I have been looking at little creatures like this in shops in Fitzroy for over a year and trying to justify spending the $50 charged for them – and now I have a special little cute darling one at the most perfect time for me to receive something like this.

So everyone – race over to her shop as soon as it opens ’cause these photos do not do the items justice, particularly Hug, who is done with such care :)

And Thank You Charlotte – thank you for putting so much effort into every aspect of something for me, and for making my life that little bit better and making me smile, at a time when I needed it most :)

**NB** There were also five or so Caramel filled Cadbury Eggs in the package – they mysteriously disappeared during the taking of the photos :)

There is a reward at the bottom of this post – worth it – really (oh and maybe another photo- maybe)

This is a picture of me and Bub 1 at Northland going to see ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua” for her 9th birthday. We spent a VERY long time in the ‘Time Zone’ there . (I know it isn’t Time Zone but it was when I was little so Time Zone it shall remain :P). This mirror was outside of the Pancake Parlour where we took her for dinner, and I took photos of my babies and the manager came over and asked me what I was taking photos of and why and made me feel incredably guilty for taking photos of my daughters birthday, but we have some lovely ones of her blowing out the smauggled in candle on top of ice cream on a pancake :) She was happy. I was happy.

We are not happy now. I know this is more bad stuff and that is all that this blog has been and I hate it, but right now I feel like I’ve destroyed everything – my course fell apart, my Bub 1 is being bullied, my Bub 2 no longer wants to dance, I feel like I should be getting them to change schools, I truely do. I feel like we should move and change schools – that feels right to me – but I’m scared, I don’t trust my instincts any more.

This week has been so stressful – we had two nights of me waiting for Bub 2 to get sick, sure that he was, then he got sick, temp and all on my Birthday (which I don’t mind in a ‘screwed up my birthday way – not that into them really), and then a cough like a seal, Bub 1′s Anxiety then turned into full blown panic attacks about catching what he has ( she has be we are calling what is a throat virus in him, a cold for her) and then today Bub 2 comes home, freaked out about chicken pox ( 3 spots thus far- this has been since 4pm – figure not chicken pox – thank you twitterbuddies – much help :) ) and he no longer wants to dance. My beautiful happy boy doesn’t want to do dance class. He was meant to be learning it at school. That was one of my criteria for a school. He isn’t. Also Bub 1 isn’t doing Art – no longer wants to be an artist and is so shaken by the bullying…I just want to move them somewhere safe with art, with a dance team or club, I can’t guarentee friends but I can a good anti-bullying policy….

I know a long whine – apologies – but if nothing else I have a reason – I spent the morning with a psychiatrist – who might help – except that I have to take my germ phobic self to a GP surgery to see her O.o…and then walked down parramatta rd from Leichardt to Ashfield – BAD walk when you haven’t been walking on hilly ground, in a hurry to get home, carrying heavy bag for a good month….So I’m exhausted and sore and sad and just want a stress free week. I want to write about the happy, the amusing, the light.

But life is just so heavy.

So to help (if you made it this far) here is someone who is not letting life get him down – I’ve friended him on FB and written to him – he is amazing – listen to this and if you think its worthwhile, look at his other stuff…he’s pretty damn grown up for a twenty something ‘dude’ – Presenting the “Fully Sick Rapper”

Oh and if you aren’t into that – compare these two – very clever -

   

There – wasn’t it worth it?

Hands – photo 12

10th of October 2008 – Melbourne Museum with My bub 1 and Bub 2 – I love this photo- took it in the children’s interactive play section – was one of the first times I’d taken the kids out in months. I can’t believe how young they were.

This picture makes me feel like I am part of a unit, a ‘proper Mum’ doing ‘proper Mum’* things . I think thats why I love it so much.

*as opposed to my usual state of overly busy Mum, the Mum that the child would prefer was Dad or the Sick Mum

“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

Today I am 32. THIRTY- TWO. Thats like a proper grown up age. But maybe not.

And my child is sick.

And I am sick.

But I have recieved much twitter, email, text and chat love from my kind and lovely friends and family. Thank You.

So to make myself feel better I am putting up this picture (which is not mine) and letting myself off from writing the history behind a photo :)

(besides which the birthday ones I have from last year suck and aren’t in the next folder :) – although I have many of the ingrown toenail which I can show you if you want? hundreds of the bloody things. My Mother (ex-podiatrist-) was diagnosing and treating it via email – so if you ever want a pic of an ingrown toe nail – you know where to come)

(although I look ok in this one from my 30th – ah how I miss “Bar Nothing”)

Oh and I was given  this :) which has made me happy :) and is one of my Best Birthday Presents Ever.

So Maybe I’m not quite such an Eeyore after all…Or maybe I am – but at the end of the day with his balloon and useful pot.

Okay, so did anyone else laugh at “useful pot” – I am so not grown up – images of eeyores tripping dance through my head :)

Oh yeah – a title – photo 11 I think.

So here is the deal, I looked at my folder of photos from the next lot along and I thought…hmmm….

they really are all pretty damn boring aren’t they…but considering they are in a folder titled “Start of October, very, very unwell” what can I really expect.

And at around about the same time I had been uploading my photos in collage form to a blog (october 2008) – no idea why- so I had this collage there. And considering I was sick, I was sad, I was stuck in bed and lots of the photos I took were of either me or the firefly and buffy episodes I was watching I thought this just might capture this time in my life ( and it includes the tenth, twentieith and thirtieth photos both from the start and the end of the folder – so all good really…

And besides, its my blog, sometimes I’m allowed to cheat :p

So lets see – top row we have me, feeling like crap; the worst chocolate I have ever eaten; me , feeling worse; dog i drew on my jeans.

Second row – Flavoured water ( i think i found the label amusing); firefly; firefly; firefly

Third – me, at night, feeling worse still; mobile (must have been waiting for a text); pile of stuff beside bed; me next morning (gak)

Fourth – Bub 1 & 2; Buffy; Buffy; Haircut I wanted.

Fifth – Hamtaro (NEVER mention this show to me, I turn rabid and start trying to stab things with other things- if you have heard the theme tune or seen the show you’ll get why); Me removing nailpolish (thinking Bub 1 is responsible for this one); Me feeling like crap with flash; Me feeling like crap without flash…

There we go…hope you enjoyed.

And you know what WordPress – it is not helpful when you hide one column of the collage from me – Sigh – that would be – me feeling like crap; me and bub 1, me and bub 1, me feeling like crap, with a firefly in there somewhere (its Mel in a bonnet – while I looked bad, I didn’t look THAT bad) (I don’t think) (surely?)

A two post day. 1. Can I carry this off?

I have a general sort of question to ask you all – see I turn 32 tomorrow, I have two children aged 10 and 8.

However I love a certain style of  clothes, love them, adore them with a passion.

Well, Its not exactly ONE style…

In fact there are a couple…

The first one is made by Sylph designs.

The second ‘look’ is a kind of mixture between goth and steam punk kind of like this and sometimes Neo Victorianism

Or there is this – minus the shirt and belt kind of tartan skirt thing

Or then there is this which is totally off in another direction…the Avril look – which is kind of funny if you know my ‘real’ name :) – there isn’t actually much she wears that I don’t like…

So the question is – for those of you who can be bothered clicking on all those links – which of these looks can I still pull off, if any? And should I stick to just one?