A post that is not all about Acting but In which there is Gnashing of Teeth and a longing for 38point Bold

Okay – so here is the deal…I was studying, at some acting classes I thought would be excellent for me.

They weren’t.

They made my mental state very torrid and very tortured.

I chose to go to them for many reasons – such as not totally full time and a different approach as opposed to here Australian Academy of Dramatic Art.

I deferred for a semester, thinking if the classes didn’t work out I could go there mid-year.
I was very glad I did this when they told me that they were having a mid year intake and the Acting Classes I was in had driven me over the edge, dangling by a very, very fine thread.

I was not so glad when they told me that most likely they won’t be having an intake till next year – not enough students to make a worthwhile ensemble – makes perfect sense, can’t fault them for it, it is thoughtful and shows they are not all about money but instead a good acting course.

Problem being I was counting on that course for a social circle, for friendships outside of my very little real world consisting of five, on a good day.

I was counting on it for the opportunity to do something I loved, for free, and now I feel massively bereft.

I have enrolled in part time classes here The Actors Centre – which will be fantastic as it is the school I desperately want to attend on a full time basis – but they are only

1. a couple of nights a week

2. going to cost money

3.don’t start till the end of July.

In addition to this I have had DOC rushed to hospital after injuring his thigh (turned out to be nothing too major but made me realise how alone I am here – how much of a lack of actual REAL support I have),

I have been unwell and then rushed to hospital after passing out through drinking 8-10L of water a day for two weeks (made me realise that my GP when he said there was no upper limit to how much I can drink – is a fool ),

I have an infected toenail which means (oh joy) podiatrist tomorrow and, probably, (oh joy) nail removal (did I mention my Mum was a podiatrist and used to deal with my ingrown toenails with NO ANESTHETIC so now people touching my feet when they hurt freaks me out),

someone has made a DESIGNER SNUGGIE,

Have had several huge fights with DOC,

have realised that my children’s school for many reasons for want of a long explanation , sucks,

I have Seasonal Adjustment Disorder,

I am pre-menstrual

and now, NOW the fricking flat we are living in, which has a BILLION features that reminds me of my father’s house and thus triggers flashbacks and Very Bad Memories at every opportunity has Black Mold, severe Black Mold – the kind that makes you sick Black Mold IN EVERY ROOM BUT THE BATHROOM, oh and the fusebox sparks and burns fuses….

it is ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH (in 29 point bold).

Oh and did I mention we have no money to move house and are not eligible for the bond loan again till next year, it seems, in NSW.

And I am well aware my problems and crapness of life is nothing compared to others. But I am not others, I am me.

So here I am, Sitting in bed. Wondering what the hell to do.

Do I give up on The Actors Centre as I think I am not an Actors Centre girl – I didn’t get into there at the end of last year and I’m not overly confident and beautiful, as they all seem to be.

Do I stay in Sydney and go to AADA, which would be free, but was always felt like a kind of back up till I got into The Actors Centre.

Do I audition for National Theatre School – the only option left in Melbourne, thanks to Melbourne Uni and what they have done to the VCA,

(only the Nat and I have a history, auditioned twice and gotten in only to have to essentially pull out – once due to money being an issue, once due to having my heart broken and not being fit to breathe and think let alone act). – but it would mean being in Melbourne, I have family there, family who would help out if I needed them. Or are just a comfort by being. I know the schools, I know the doctors, I know the areas to live in.

Essentially I am terrified.

I want so much.

I want to be living somewhere non mouldy and non memory triggering. I want to be at an Acting school that I love. I want to be healthy and happy. truly happy. I want to feel like my life is not a living hell.

So what do I do? any help? advice? similar situations? Anyone know the way out of mental hell?

Photo 8 – the sky was blue.

End of September 2008 – still coming off medication and “studying psychology” on a fulltime basis…

Looks like I’m in a bath, doesn’t it? Took me a while, but I placed it. I’m on a slide. In a tiny playground in the back streets of Richmond. Avoiding going back to my parents house, trying to avoid the black spiral of distruction I was going through and all the people I was dragging down with me. Trying to just be, just be in the sun, first start of spring. Trying to clear my head from a nightmare night. Trying to deal with masses of loss and pain and exhaustion and bloody PTSD, trying to last ten minuites without a flashback…Trying to be. And I think, in this moment, just this one in this picture I achieved it.

I let go of all the hurt I feel every day. I let go of all the little pains that stay and stay and hurt as much now as they did when they happened. I didn’t have to hide behind noise, behind ‘fine’, behind the darkness that wasn’t depression that was something undefined.

I really, then, thought I would never feel worse.

God, I was such an idiot.

But that day the sky was blue.