A-Z of me….

Shamelessly stolen from ‘A Giraffe in a Scarf’ A really good blog indeed – pop over there for a read:)

A. Age: 32. Ugh. Feel so old, and like I have missed most of my 20′s somewhere (perhaps down the back of the couch)

B. Bed Size: Double. Rented. New Rented. But still Rented. creepy thought that.

C. Chore You Dislike: Most? Washing Dishes

D. Dogs: None. Want one for my birthday though. I grew up with dogs and I miss them.

E. Essential Start to Your Day: A litre of Cranberry/water mix. And much walking into walls.

F. Favorite Color: Black or Red or Blue

G. Gold or Silver: Silver. I can’t wear gold.

H. Height: 172cm

I. Instruments You Play(ed): Violin, Chello, Oboe, Piano. Oh and the obligatory recorder. And the penny whistle.

J. Job Title: DSP/ Student/ Actor.

K. Kids: Yup. 2. Old now. Eeep!

L. Live: Victoria, Australia

M. Mum’s Name: Elizabet (never Liz, or Lizzie and apparently not Elizabeth anymore…)

N. Nicknames: Nup, none, ever

O. Overnight Hospital Stays: Oh god – so many too many to write here – 10 weeks in one, and about 8 overnights

P. Pet Peeves: Obsession with accuracy that works in someone elses favour ( as in “You were twenty minuites late” “No I wasn’t I was 18″ seriously???? that 2 minuites makes the difference how exactly?? Oh and being treated like a child or told to do something as in “You should go to bed now its late” Even if I was thinking EXACTLY that I then won’t. Just Because. So there. :P

Q. Quote from a Movie: hmmmm…too many again.

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: None – but many step ones that I hardly know – essentially I am an only child.

T. Time You Wake Up: Variable. Very very variable. But always at around 7.30am. If I go back to sleep after bacause I didn’t sleep till 6 after that is another thing entirely.

U. Underwear: well yes, I wear it. Never a g-string either. Right now it is (shock) black.

V. Veggies You Don’t Like: Parsnip – looks like a Ogres penis (oh there is a quote from a book that can fill the quote from film slot) also brussel sprouts.

W. What Makes You Run Late: Never me. Ever. obsessed with being early

X. X-Rays You’ve Had: None I think

Y. Yummy Food You Make: scones, cake, toffee baskets oh and a PARTICULARLY NICE cherry and almond christmas cake which SOME PEOPLE choose not to like at all..

Z. Zoo Animal Favorites: little monkeys around heat lamps.

In the spirit of Valentines day

I miss you. I miss us. I miss feeling grown up. I miss feeling independant. I miss coffee and smiles and holding hands and hours of walking and hiding from the cold in warm coats in cars. I miss acting my age and not fifty years older and feeling like I can just be. I miss being loved for who I am not what I am. I miss YOU. I miss the way you made me feel, I miss the way I felt. I miss evenings. I miss city lights. I miss longest of all long nights. I miss years. a year. Single years. I miss.

what a year its been….

People have died, close family members are losing things that matter to them and even though it is just ‘stuff’ – ‘stuff’ matters, other close family members have to sit at home knowing their daughters are 1) trapped in Brisbane and 2) have just been though surgery, close blogging friends have lost people, are very unwell and also trapped in the floods and everyone I have no words.

I am sorry but my words have drifted and gone.

So instead I urge you all to donate to the flood appeal if you haven’t already, or if you can’t see your way clear, or just would find them useful – buy a pair of these :-

http://www.flipsters.com.au/content_common/pg-qld-flood-relief.seo where, amazingly, 100% of all online purchases go to QLD flood appeal, so shop for next christmas, for birthday pressies, for anything. Useful and you have helped.

and in words taken from one of the best blogs out there – Under the Yardarm

Ten points.

 

Ten bloody dot  points in the study guide. Thats all it takes for me to decide that my secondary job (you know, the sensible, grown up, money making one? The “back up career” that all creative people “have to have” (lord knows why – parental brainwashing or somesuch)) my secondary job is inviable.

I am not, never have been, nor will I ever be emotionally stable. Nor do I have confidence. and without those two how am I ever going to be of any use to a ‘client’? There is Counselling out the bloody window, just like everything else that came before.

Journalism – too punctuationy

Psychology – too sciencey

Law – not at all like Perry Mason on Tv-y

An Anglican bloody Preist – Too not Vicar of Dibly-ish, and really was only considering it for Mum, so she could have the first daughter of a female priest to be a female priest, and I was preganant and thus a little bit mad.

Author – Can only write short stories.

Poet – Can anyone say “teen-angst”?

Singer – Yeah – Am good in choir but put me in a class or a musical audition and any voice I have turns tiny

Oh and artist – well my year 7 Art teacher drove that one out of me quick smart – As far as she was concerned there were very few of us with real talent. I was NOT one of them and thus condemned to Lino cutting, while the talented few flounced out to the garden to sketch.

And Childcare worker – a one day placement in a busy city child care centre at the age of 18 (where I had no more knowledge of how to look after a baby than well, a baby) and they put me in charge of the babies. The little babies. The tiny precious little babies. Of which there were at least ten. And Just me. And they were made to lie in their cots and sleep. Even when they were crying so much. And god, imagine the most inept person ever changing their first disposable nappy? Yeah – that was me. Traumatised me for life that did. I ended up crying right along side the babies.

So, now what? and Now where? I know what I love but how do I make a living out of it? I need a back up career – I have two kids – who are becoming teenagers, with big school fees and the need for lap tops….

So now what?

 

 

Just so DOWN.

Okay, so I promised I would be honest in my blog from now on, so I’m going to be.

And I really am down. Very down. There are many reasons for this – this is going to be a potted list of those as I try to get some of this crap out of my system.

1. I’m lonely. Very lonely. I have some most excellent family here, DOC and two kids, but that is it. All. No one else I can meet for coffees, no one else to chat with, no one else. And its lonely. I love my family, I adore spending time with them, but I don’t want to be too dependant. And DOC and Bub 1 and Bub 2 I am with all the time. I know this sounds so ungrateful but I’m still just empty and lonely.

2. I am exhausted all the time.

3. I used to be able to control what I ate, to limit it. I can’t now. I hate that. Now my body has taken over and tells me it feels sick if I try too hard. I hate this.

4. I really really dislike the way I look – which for me, being brought up in a way where this means everything (even though with me and others it NEVER does) means I hate myself so much.

5. I am not doing what I love and I am seeing posts on Facebook from people who I was doing the course with who are. And I am so Jealous. And I HATE that. But I miss it so so much. Acting is like air to me, without it I just don’t know what to do.

6. I have not come to terms with my parents move yet.

There is more, much more, more backtracking, more I am so greatful for my online friends, for the light my family do bring, for all of that but I am hurting and sad and lost and alone.

And that is where I am. That is where I am.

Dear So and So….Ranty and Wingey

 

A new discovery and this sounds like fun, so here we go…. But of a ranty wingy post, but hey, tonight I do not care :)

 

Look over at Three Bedroom Bungalow for its origins and just a bloody good blog.

Dear Bub 1 and Bub 2,

Do you think we can have one day. ONE. DAY. when you do not jump on each other for the most minor of things. You will need to be tolerant human beings one day and you aren’t quite at the pissed off teen stage so if we could just skip the “he’s singing and its annoying” “he’s in my space” “he’s breathing loudly” and the resultant “and he WON”T STOP” and the then resultant “SHE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE” waaaaah tantrum – it would be really nice.

Much love your Mum who wonders how we will get through 12-18 if this is what it is like at 8 and 10

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Dear Brain,

Yeah, the panic attacks, just stop it. While you’re at it if you could explain to my body that it doesn’t need 7 litres of water a day to avoid illness I would greatly appreciate it.

KThaxBye

She who feels like she is drowning every day literally and figuratively

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Dear Blowflies,

Stay out of the Rabbit hutch. You are a unnicessary parasite. Bugger off. And take the mosquitos with you.

That is all.

She who has several itching spots and a daughter who desperately doesn’t want her new bunny to be flyblown.

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Dear Person-who-shall-not-be-named (because I’m slightly superstitious about the whole religion thing)

I understand how full on and busy your job is, I really, really do, I’ve lived with someone who did something almost exactly the same thing for many years, but come on telling us you are free “any time” means “any time” not “any time except for the one day you have organised all the people I have told you to organise all those people for so you will have to find another time” and then when we do, and we try to ask you – you won’t tell us YES or NO. for me, I don’t mind, for the lovely others I DO. A LOT. You might be busy. You may be respected, but c’mon….give us a break? Please?

Yours, obscurely

Mother of two eager children who is trying to organise something kind of important

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Dear Digital TV,

You are not as good as we were promised. I do not appreciate the continual replaying of old TV shows twice in one day. Surely all the stations have bought enough episodes of stuff to fill a 24 hour period….oh and some of your scheduling choices? Just wrong.

You know what I mean

A

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Dear Erection dysfunction Ad,

The idea of a woman standing on her husbands erect penis to get at a biscuit jar that is too high for her to reach is JUST.WRONG. for many reasons. What if people actually try this? did you think of that? Oh and playing it between 11am – 3pm – not OK, think of kids off school and sick…I mean c’mon, how believable is “Oh he has a ladder in his dressing gown” to any child – I mean that is certainly NOT something you want kids trying. really not.

Someone who is worried that kids and teenagers and maybe even just blokes might get the wrong idea and hell the whole concept is disturbing

A

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Feel better after that :) If you made it this far well, well done :)

 

new look…and big question…

What do we think? Its either this or the one that feels like I’m staring at floorboards…let me know ‘k?

Stealing on Saturday

I am pinching an idea from ‘The Girl’ at “She Dreams Big” – A brilliant, fun and always interesting and quirky (in the best way) blog. She is also very sweet and kind commenter. So I’m sure that she won’t mind if I borrow this concept so that I can “write” a post. Every Saturday I am going to find images that start with the letter ‘S’ and that either describe or are the opposite of how I am. (In fact this may segue into a week of blogs talking about topics that start with the letter of the day – ponder)

So today – “s” is for “Sick” and what that entails namely “Sleeping”

we have a new blog…

There is a new blog – I don’t know if it will continue but for right now it is needed. It won’t be pretty, or nice, or possibly even sane – but it exists at http://thefictionofmemory.wordpress.com/2010/05/13/in-which-she-is-born/

There is a reward at the bottom of this post – worth it – really (oh and maybe another photo- maybe)

This is a picture of me and Bub 1 at Northland going to see ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua” for her 9th birthday. We spent a VERY long time in the ‘Time Zone’ there . (I know it isn’t Time Zone but it was when I was little so Time Zone it shall remain :P). This mirror was outside of the Pancake Parlour where we took her for dinner, and I took photos of my babies and the manager came over and asked me what I was taking photos of and why and made me feel incredably guilty for taking photos of my daughters birthday, but we have some lovely ones of her blowing out the smauggled in candle on top of ice cream on a pancake :) She was happy. I was happy.

We are not happy now. I know this is more bad stuff and that is all that this blog has been and I hate it, but right now I feel like I’ve destroyed everything – my course fell apart, my Bub 1 is being bullied, my Bub 2 no longer wants to dance, I feel like I should be getting them to change schools, I truely do. I feel like we should move and change schools – that feels right to me – but I’m scared, I don’t trust my instincts any more.

This week has been so stressful – we had two nights of me waiting for Bub 2 to get sick, sure that he was, then he got sick, temp and all on my Birthday (which I don’t mind in a ‘screwed up my birthday way – not that into them really), and then a cough like a seal, Bub 1′s Anxiety then turned into full blown panic attacks about catching what he has ( she has be we are calling what is a throat virus in him, a cold for her) and then today Bub 2 comes home, freaked out about chicken pox ( 3 spots thus far- this has been since 4pm – figure not chicken pox – thank you twitterbuddies – much help :) ) and he no longer wants to dance. My beautiful happy boy doesn’t want to do dance class. He was meant to be learning it at school. That was one of my criteria for a school. He isn’t. Also Bub 1 isn’t doing Art – no longer wants to be an artist and is so shaken by the bullying…I just want to move them somewhere safe with art, with a dance team or club, I can’t guarentee friends but I can a good anti-bullying policy….

I know a long whine – apologies – but if nothing else I have a reason – I spent the morning with a psychiatrist – who might help – except that I have to take my germ phobic self to a GP surgery to see her O.o…and then walked down parramatta rd from Leichardt to Ashfield – BAD walk when you haven’t been walking on hilly ground, in a hurry to get home, carrying heavy bag for a good month….So I’m exhausted and sore and sad and just want a stress free week. I want to write about the happy, the amusing, the light.

But life is just so heavy.

So to help (if you made it this far) here is someone who is not letting life get him down – I’ve friended him on FB and written to him – he is amazing – listen to this and if you think its worthwhile, look at his other stuff…he’s pretty damn grown up for a twenty something ‘dude’ – Presenting the “Fully Sick Rapper”

Oh and if you aren’t into that – compare these two – very clever -

   

There – wasn’t it worth it?