Inspired by the post I just read on the Noble savages blog, an anonomous letter to a 16 year old self And I have a feeling that unless I write this and get it out there in the world, there will be no sleep tonight.
But first a warning – this is not nice, or pretty or even very amusing, so feel free to avoid it if you are triggered or prone to crying or just don’t want to read anything heavy..
I know that you, as stubborn as you are, probably won’t even read this to the end. But please try.
I know life is beyond crap for you. I know that you think your Mum doesn’t care, and here is something that the sooner you know and accept, the better off you will be, she doesn’t, not really, she had Bi Polar disorder and Narcissitic personality disorder (which means that she is obsessive about cleaning, and eating and only thinks of herself) But that isn’t your fault. Don’t try to match up to her standards because you never will.
Your step dad is a good guy. Next year when you are only living on cup a soup and coffee and weigh 46 kg, go to him and get help. He will get it for you, your Mum will ignore you and your pain until she can’t anymore. Then she will throw you out.
Nothing that your father did to you, that is only on the edges of your brain right now, was your fault. Do not let it turn you into something you aren’t at all the parties you are going to.
But keep acting, as much as you can. even though you don’t think its the best course, do go to Melbourne University – some very important plays will be acted in, some very important people met.
Get help for the flashbacks, get help for your eating as soon as you are out of home, please, or you will be sitting there almost 12 years later with the same problems.
Life will be very very hard, but try to hurt yourself less, to trust yourself more and how to say NO, to kick a guy in the balls and run.
You are worth a hell of a lot, you need to start believeing this now.
Keep studying, keep trying. Don’t let them put you on Anti-Depressants – it won’t help and may totally destroy your life.
But hold on, just keep holding on, and know that when it feels like no-one else cares, i do. That you are worthy of friends and a love and a life.
One day you will have your longed for children and they will love you so much. But don’t expect them to fix you. No one can, you aren’t broken, just damaged.
stay away from guys you meet online in the mostpart. Run away from guys with guns.
And never lose that thread of hope that has kept you afloat through all of these horrible sixteen terrifying years and will keep ypu afloat for the next ones – they get worse, but you get stronger, just wait and see.
You will feel better slowly day by day. Believe in yourself, keep reading as much as you do, keep writing and most importantly keep acting (did I say that already?) Keep those friends you love close, they will be more of a family than you have ever had.
Most importantly remember that whatever bad has happened to you, you can get through it, it makes you you and it will stop sometime, I’m sure.
Also, I’m here waiting for you and sending you all the hugs you should have had in the last sixteen years.
Keep trying honey.
Avril (oh yeah, you change your name in your 20’s in a desperate attempt to rid yourself of your father, it doesn’t work, but its a nice name you chose by luck :) )