The Christmas Tree is dead.

I am not suupposed to be writing this.

I look at all the bad stuff that is happening and has happened to people on Twitter and i feel that my feelings just aren’t worthy.

I am not supposed to write negatively, that isn’t what blogging is about in my mind, if that was placed there or not by others I know not, I just know that is what I believe.

Yet here I am, falling apart on the screen. and I don’t have an option. No one to talk to aside from a seven year old and that doesn’t seem fair.

I can feel parts of my heart shattering and slipping away at a time i should be happy, panicking, running round like a headless chook, but happy.

I am about to start doing what i wanted to do, what i love, I SHOULD be happy.

Nasty word should. Evil word.

My heart hurts and my stomach feels empty like I’m plummeting in a lift, my throat feels dry and I am struggling with tears.

I don’t understand life.

I don’t understand people.

I don’t understand family.

I don’t understand why the three seem to have a conspiracy to tear me apart when I am at my most streatched to the limit, destroying everything that could be happy.

I’m too exhausted to write stories.

The Christmas tree is dying and that is a metaphor.

I am lonely and surrounded.

lost and afraid and empty and full of sad at the same time.

I have no idea what to do….

*apologies for self indulgent blog.

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13 Comments

Filed under being creative, not exactly amusing

13 responses to “The Christmas Tree is dead.

  1. seraphim75

    Sometimes it’s best to do nothing. Sometimes. And your feelings and your experiences are ALWAYS valid. ALWAYS important. And I will abide with you here a while. And I hope for you, that whatever is happening, preventable or not, that you will get through it. xxx

  2. Thea

    Please don’t apologize for being self-indulgent. I believe that’s what blogging is all about. It’s meant to be way to express yourself, to let it all out. Someone will always understand here. It’s the spiral…you’re down right now. But the only good thing about that is the next step is coming back up. And that’s worth it, you’ll get through whatever it is that’s making you feel this way right now. It won’t last forever, you will come out of it. And we’re here for you!! Feel better soon! xxxx

  3. This is your blog and you can write what ever you need to write… say what ever you need to say. A lot is happening for you right now. A lot. You feel, you love, you think, you do… life is not always happy and up. No ones is. No ones. You will get through this. You are not alone. xxx

  4. Oh no! Whatever is happening does not sound good! But rest assured that u can blog good or bad! We are always here and take the good and the bad! Xx hope it gets somewhat better soon! X

  5. That sounds tough. I wish I could help. Maybe pack a box for you.
    It is your blog and you can totally cry if you want to. Say what you want. We are here.

  6. Thank you – all of you – I don’t have words for how lovely you have all been and how much it has helped – am crying now, but its ok.xxx

  7. This is not at all self-indulgent. It’s not about self-pity, it’s an expression of your feelings. And the great thing about blogs and Twitter is that you can touch people far beyond our somewhat limited circle and find a lot of support you never expected. Thank you to everyone above for caring so much. I’m sorry for my part in causing you hurt. I’m trying to make it better.

  8. Heavens, don’t apologise for this – it’s what blogs are for. And they’re your feelings – you’re entitled to them. Don’t feel guilty about them. Do try and understand them, though.

    And remember Walker Evans, the photographer and his resistance to symbols. Generally, he took photos of things. Symbols can start to do our thinking for us all too easily, though they’re a useful shorthand. Best dealt with in interacting gangs rather than in isolation, I think.

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