I am not suupposed to be writing this.
I look at all the bad stuff that is happening and has happened to people on Twitter and i feel that my feelings just aren’t worthy.
I am not supposed to write negatively, that isn’t what blogging is about in my mind, if that was placed there or not by others I know not, I just know that is what I believe.
Yet here I am, falling apart on the screen. and I don’t have an option. No one to talk to aside from a seven year old and that doesn’t seem fair.
I can feel parts of my heart shattering and slipping away at a time i should be happy, panicking, running round like a headless chook, but happy.
I am about to start doing what i wanted to do, what i love, I SHOULD be happy.
Nasty word should. Evil word.
My heart hurts and my stomach feels empty like I’m plummeting in a lift, my throat feels dry and I am struggling with tears.
I don’t understand life.
I don’t understand people.
I don’t understand family.
I don’t understand why the three seem to have a conspiracy to tear me apart when I am at my most streatched to the limit, destroying everything that could be happy.
I’m too exhausted to write stories.
The Christmas tree is dying and that is a metaphor.
I am lonely and surrounded.
lost and afraid and empty and full of sad at the same time.
I have no idea what to do….
*apologies for self indulgent blog.