*Thanks Tim Minchin for title inspiration*
I have been reading in many other blogs of late about Twitter and its community feel and how everyone feels like they have found another family and how good it all is, and I even blogged here about that….
But then this feeling started – the everyone I follow and like has at least a hundred followers, if not up to five hundred and I have just under eighty. And followers – I love you all – please do not feel unappreciated, you guys MAKE my twitter experience, and I value and love you all.
But right now I am standing in the classroom of Blog School, and everyone has paired off and gone off into their little groups and I am left here on my own. People talk to me in passing, some know me, but I am not part of one of the cliques, not one of the popular blogs, and as much as my heart tells me I shouldn’t want to, DAMN it I want to be.
I have spent most of my life seeking approval in various ways and I suppose this lack of followers just feeds into it, and makes me question myself and my blog.
Do I not have a consistant enough theme? Am I too random? Do I write to much when I feel bad? Am I not quirky or creative enough? Am I not amusing enough frequently enough?
I think why this has struck me so hard as it come at a time where I am trying to fit into a new state, with new parents at a new school for my kids, in a class at a new acting school and I am questioning myself as a person as well.
I think it basically comes down to, I do not like myself, not myself inside – she’s quite a nice and decent person really, its the me on the outside, the me I show to the world.
And how do I know this? Because I am looking at other people and wanting to be them, to look like them.
I am looking at other peoples blogs and thinking, well maybe if MY blog was more like that then I’d have more followers.
I’m even looking at my tweets, the one place where I tend to censor me least and am thinking, maybe if my tweets were more like other peoples more people would follow me.
All in all a pathetic state of affairs. if for no other reason than it is making me spend a good forty five minuites working out what to wear every time I leave the house.
And I am considering a fringe quite seriously. To cover up the ‘patch of dirt’ on my forehead (its freckles all run together).DOC about a week ago said to me “oh, you have some dirt on your forehead” I didn’t. It doesn’t come off. Does wonders for the self esteem that.
So where to from here? Right now I feel quite bereft and lost. I used to be so happy with my little blog and twitter account and amazed by my 70-odd followers and now I’m sad that I’ve lost that feeling, and sad that I want more, it almost feels greedy.
Has anyone else felt any of this? Or am I alone here?
My own little pity party.