6 days of avoiding or being to exhausted to blog.
6 days of blog reading and comment reading and being so so glad and honoured by so many of the comments on my post here after feeling that no one liked me (poor me- sniffle sniffle)
But it hasn’t been 6 days in which nothing has happened.
On day one I felt very bad for a friend who wrote a brilliant post and then felt the need to withdraw it (which I totally respect – but it was such a brilliant idea and I am very proud of her (she knows who she is)
On day two I was so exhausted from my Classes that week that blogging just felt impossible – I also hit a wall my – “I am crap and letting everyone who may have believed in me down” wall in the classes. But I keep going because I love them. Adore them in fact. And damn it, I know i can do this.
On day three I was curled around myself in bed after having my heart ripped apart and privacy invaded and I longed to blog, to blog past the foggy-ness and the sadness, to get it all down and all out, but i couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I will but I can’t right now. My world had turned into a giant foggy mess.
On day four I slept, I slept and slept – I tried to escape the screaming in my head and heart in sleep. I also had a night out with class from acting school and it was good – Somehow I put the screaming bit of me in a box, put some of my walls back up and met some amazing girls ( I am lacking in female friends) and they are amazing. I discovered that Sydney at night is soothing when your heart is bleeding, especially in the rain. i also discovered that my one pair of high heels cuts into the back of my feet badly and that I look ridiculously skeletal in a dress inhereted from my mother. I also realised how absolutely hurt and distarught I am with her – this dress will be thrown in the bin and the ‘how the HELL did you think moving away from your grandchildren while they were little? haven’t you abandonned me enough’ letter will be written- as childish as it is.
On day five I cried,sobbed, screamed. It was Valentines day and I was in serious pain. I slept al lot and cried a lot and lost myself in this book which helped at least a little – it resonated way too much with me and that was scary, but it was an amazing read. But i was still too scared to post as I still didn’t know what to say.
On day six I pulled myself out of bed in a panic thinking it was an hour earlier than the time was. Out of horrid heated nightmares that I cannot run away from, waking up to fear and emptyness. My head screaming and heart hurting and a large blanket of sheer disbelief covering me .Collapsing back in bed and waking again two hours ago, same symptoms but finally realsising that I need to write something. Anything. Or I never will again.
So I wrote this.