It’s always Saturday night, whenever I’m exhausted, worn out and past the need for sleep that i feel the need to blog.
When I want to write about all the hundred things that are running around my head in ever decreasing circles.
The things that stop my sleep at night, that make me suddenly pass out in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, that makes me snap at my beautiful girl because she ALWAYS has to have someone watching her, with her, near her, doing everything for her and she-is-ten…
And I can’t.
I can’t because it might make this blog so dark that no one would ever visit it again.
I can’t because I don’t want to show all of the not so good bits of me to the world not yet, and the one time I’ve tried in the last week, I was told I wasn’t doing it the right way.
I can’t because I’m scared I’ll upset or hurt people who read this who have upset or hurt me, and that matters to me.
Just enough to write that I can’t stop crying, for whatever reason my heart has been broken, my trust destroyed and my spirit nearly crushed. and I am just holding on.
Just enough to write that I am so exhausted by constant pain that blinds me to the rest of life. So exhausted by my inability to consume because its the only part of life i can control right now.
Just enough to say that I will blog happily soon again but right now it is Just.Too.Hard.
All of it.
I want to tell amusing tales of my children or acting class, or life outside, or moving to a new state – but right now I am bereft of any…
Maybe next Saturday. Maybe.