Firstly a HUGE Thank you to all those who’ve commented on my self indulgent ramblings of the last two weeks. I would take them down, but, BUT, Thanks to your comments I remmebred why I started this blog, not for anyone else but me. Just for me…To write what I wanted to write, to get it out of my head in its constantly swilrling fashion….
so here we go…with some of it…oh and this post probably also need a great big…
WARNING – Possibly intense Blog follows….
and then this gap…
I have been hurt. Amazingly hurt. And I know the perosn who has done it will read this and may be hurt by it in turn, and I am so sorry, I am sorry for the bad things I did. Trust me, No one will know who you are.
I have been hacked. Not in some randomp-stranger-trying-to-get-at-my-eighty-three-cents-remaining-in-my-bank-account way, but in a year long reading my email and facebook and twitter way. And this has destroyed me, all except one tiny part of ‘me’ that is hanging on by a tiny , fine thread.
I do not know how this happened. I do know why. Because sometimes as a person I totally suck. Because sometimes I give people reason to distrust me. and I do this because of the distrust I in turn was given growing up – way too much gory detail here – lets just say no privacy in any area of your life as a child and teenager will create an overly private grown up.
I also know that this ‘hacking’ or ‘stalking’ or just plain old’breaking of promises made’ has destroyed a part of me that was starting to learn to trust life again and I have come crashing down with a bone breaking, jarring, god-this-is-what-my-life-will-be-like-forever thump.
And it is hard and harsh and this part of me remaining wants to curl up in a ball in the bottom of a cupboard, along with the dust bunnies and never ever see the sun again, never learn to dance again, never sing, in fact just cease to exist…
But. and its a big one.
There is a very small niggling voice that reminds me that i don’t want to be my mother (again long history – lets say she tried not to make it through her life thus far) and it is this that gets me out of bed. This and a very precious Willful one and Monkey who are so happy for me to be doing what I love three days a week, and who, I hope sometimes, and doubt sometimes, and know at others would miss my presence.
So, big expalination over – I am less than happy.
So I suppose the moral of the story is – anyone out there – ANYONE – please, if you can’t trust the people in your life, talk to them, if they are still untrustworthy, then, if you need to, leave them. Never cross the big boundries that they set and that life itself, we as humans with great big huge privacy laws set.
I’m sure there are some people out there who do not mind others reading their internet communications, phone messages and mail – but I’m also sure that if they are they will let you know. And if they aren’t they will also let you know.
And If you break that boundry then it can have this result – and we don’t want anymore blogs like this out there.
Trust and if you can’t move on.
But know, as I now know, from both sides of the fence, that once trust is shattered you don’t even know how to start putting it back together again. That you end up with a million shards of heart coloured glass and try melding that again….
Be careful, my dear reader, for you are playing with lives…and sometimes you break them and sometimes they break you….
It is a careful path that needs to be trodden in this world…