A due warning….

This blog could also be titled – “Heart Coloured Glass” – which I like more…

Firstly a HUGE Thank you to all those who’ve commented on my self indulgent ramblings of the last two weeks. I would take them down, but, BUT, Thanks to your comments I remmebred why I started this blog, not for anyone else but me. Just for me…To write what I wanted to write, to get it out of my head in its constantly swilrling fashion….

so here we go…with some of it…oh and this post probably also need a great big…

WARNING – Possibly intense Blog follows….

and then this gap…

I have been hurt. Amazingly hurt. And I know the perosn who has done it will read this and may be hurt by it in turn, and I am so sorry, I am sorry for the bad things I did. Trust me, No one will know who you are.

I have been hacked. Not in some randomp-stranger-trying-to-get-at-my-eighty-three-cents-remaining-in-my-bank-account way, but in a year long reading my email and facebook and twitter way. And this has destroyed me, all except one tiny part of ‘me’ that is hanging on by a tiny , fine thread.

I do not know how this happened. I do know why. Because sometimes as a person I totally suck. Because sometimes I give people reason to distrust me. and I do this because of the distrust I in turn was given growing up – way too much gory detail here – lets just say no privacy in any area of your life as a child and teenager will create an overly private grown up.

I also know that this ‘hacking’ or ‘stalking’ or just plain old’breaking of promises made’ has destroyed a part of me that was starting to learn to trust life again and I have come crashing down with a bone breaking, jarring, god-this-is-what-my-life-will-be-like-forever thump.

And it is hard and harsh and this part of me remaining wants to curl up in a ball in the bottom of a cupboard, along with the dust bunnies and never ever see the sun again, never learn to dance again, never sing, in fact just cease to exist…

But. and its a big one.

There is a very small niggling voice that reminds me that i don’t want to be my mother (again long history – lets say she tried not to make it through her life thus far) and it is this that gets me out of bed. This and a very precious Willful one and Monkey who are so happy for me to be doing what I love three days a week, and who, I hope sometimes, and doubt sometimes, and know at others would miss my presence.

So, big expalination over – I am less than happy.

So I suppose the moral of the story is – anyone out there – ANYONE – please, if you can’t trust the people in your life, talk to them, if they are still untrustworthy, then, if you need to, leave them. Never cross the big boundries that they set and that life itself, we as humans with great big huge privacy laws set.

I’m sure there are some people out there who do not mind others reading their internet communications, phone messages and mail – but I’m also sure that if they are they will let you know. And if they aren’t they will also let you know.

And If you break that boundry then it can have this result – and we don’t want anymore blogs like this out there.

Trust and if you can’t move on.

But know, as I now know, from both sides of the fence, that once trust is shattered you don’t even know how to start putting it back together again. That you end up with a million shards of heart coloured glass and try melding that again….

Be careful, my dear reader, for you are playing with lives…and sometimes you break them and sometimes they break you….

It is a careful path that needs to be trodden in this world…



Filed under Not Good

15 responses to “A due warning….

  1. wow, what an emotional post. I really feel for you, for this broken trust and feelings of despair, but please , please, what ever you do don’t let it destroy you, don’t let it break your last vestige of trust in people – not all people are like this, some are worthy of your trust.

  2. God! I lived with someone who read my diaries once and saw no problem in the fact that I would have touched hers. Result? no diary keeping for decades, even after said individual was as good as dust in my past. So I have an inkling of the kind of damage this can do

    That being said.

    There are an awful lot of questions you need to ask yourself here. I don’t know you, despite your amazingly frank posts, well enough to offer any kind of advice (and I’m not sure advice in this area I ever particularly useful outside of the practical stuff like ‘use punctuation marks and numbers in your passwords) but life as a net thing has to be appallingly bad – I mean, bad by the standards of the atrocious stuff that human beings can do to each other – for all possibility o joy to be extinguished. Thankfully, you know this – you’ve catalogued a pretty weighty amount of joy in the post above.

    You’ve been terribly hurt. Own it, as a thing with the other joys and hurts. Don’t become it. Becoming it is the place where doors slam.

    • Thank you for being so open and frank.

      I know this may sound a bit naive, but I truly believe that certain people and the lessons they bring into are lives are there for a reason. This lesson you learned and the openess with which you shared it, came at this moment because it was at a time when you could learn the most from it. About yourself, your feelings and the people in your life.

      Think back 5 years and you could probably honestly say that you would have then reacted to the same thing differently. In my guess, probably less maturely and with less insight and less communication.

      I try to take each thing that happens to me , even the bad ones and learn a positive from them. It helps me get through the bad stuff if I see a purpose.

      Hang in there and don’t slide backwards just because of one person.


    • DWW – Thank you – Your comment on this means a hell of a lot :)- thank you for caring.
      NDNL – You knwo what? I actually think you might be right there – Thank you – and thank you for the comment because I have now found another blog to read that looks really good :)

  3. You have survived worse things than this. In time this will be another bad memory, but something that didn’t destroy you. You’re a hell of a strong woman. I’m here for you all the way. xoxo

  4. That’s awful. Email is personal. I accept that what I write on my blog is open to the public, and know that when I write, but not my email.
    Hang in there.

  5. So sad you are going through this :( Wish I could fix it.

    Like Heather says though, this is ONE person. ONE person in a whole circle of people that love you and trust you and who you can trust in return.

    Don’t let him break you. You are stronger than that, I know it xxx

    • Thank you Josie – so many thank yous :) each one meant though – Very very true….
      It just hurts so much – whatever I did – and it wasn’t good – surely it wasn’t worth this much bad? Yet if I believe in Karma then it must have been…doesn’t feel like it though…
      I’m trying – *wraps blue cotton thread more tightly about fist dangling in the sky*
      (random imagery brought to you by slightly off beat mind)

  6. That’s just plain old frightening. The fact that someone would read your emails and your personal stuff…I don’t get it. That is not a friend worth having. Perhaps they are very insecure and hence the reason they need to know everything you’re writing about?

    Hang in there. xxx

    • essentially that was it – I gave them reason to be though – but I had pre-set limits that were broken, as opposed to just honest upfront ‘can’t deal with this’ and walking away which would have been a billion times better than this shattering. Broken I can take, shattered is harder.

  7. I am sorry you had to go through this, deal with this… but if there is one thing I have learnt about you, it’s that you have an inner strength. I love coming here and reading your blog because of your honesty, and your willingness to trust us readers with your thoughts.
    I agree with what others have said here, own the hurt, make it yours and see what you can find to learn from this…
    sending you hugs.

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