Ah Josie, so many good promts this week – again…
But seriously, when hasn’t it. When hasn’t my body totally and utterly let me down at every turn?
Lets start at the top and work our way down shall we, or the inside out? or start with the simplest thing and work our way from there? ‘Cause seriously, it needs to lift its game.
Its mind doesn’t work the way other minds work. It has been broken and didn’t set properly, a mind which came out of the womb different from all the rest anyway, and now its stuck that way and screws with me on a regular basis with flashbacks, with balckouts, with gaps in time, with so much emotion that I cannot contain, it feeds itself into endless loops of fear, and heres the trick, nothing I do helps it – it truely seems the only cure is time, and until then existing through the being of me.
My heart, broken from birth, disfunctional, settling me into my life with the constant threat of open heart surgery or death, a comforting beginning…now it breaks too easily, it divides, it reforms and the scar tissue that remains behind and its coloured maps just confuse me.
My outside yeah, not thin enough, never thin enough, constant battle I will never win. Eyes are tolerable, eyelashes likeable, hair is dry and flyaway from overdying, skin is better than it was when it really mattered, when I was a teenager and then it was hellish – the outside of me hate list could go on for pages, when it started letting me down, the many comments I recieved that told me it was letting me down, the scars, actual physical scars that drive people away from me, nice normal people who get scared of me because of marks of pain…
If I could find one way in which my body did not let me down I would list it – so I suppose due credit it still gets me from A to B on most days without collapsing, but that depends on its moods.
It hurts living in here, physically and mentally, this body just is not right.
It’s not good enough.
Its not what I want it to be.
But somehow I doubt it ever will be….
So there has to be some way around it…..