Writing Workshop – when hasn’t it…

Ah Josie, so many good promts this week – again…

But seriously, when hasn’t it. When hasn’t my body totally and utterly let me down at every turn?

Lets start at the top and work our way down shall we, or the inside out? or start with the simplest thing and work our way from there? ‘Cause seriously, it needs to lift its game.

Its mind doesn’t work the way other minds work. It has been broken and didn’t set properly, a mind which came out of the womb different from all the rest anyway, and now its stuck that way and screws with me on a regular basis with flashbacks, with balckouts, with gaps in time, with so much emotion that I cannot contain, it feeds itself into endless loops of fear, and heres the trick, nothing I do helps it – it truely seems the only cure is time, and until then existing through the being of me.

My heart, broken from birth, disfunctional, settling me into my life with the constant threat of open heart surgery or death, a comforting beginning…now it breaks too easily, it divides, it reforms and the scar tissue that remains behind and its coloured maps just confuse me.

My outside yeah, not thin enough, never thin enough, constant battle I will never win. Eyes are tolerable, eyelashes likeable, hair is dry and flyaway from overdying, skin is better than it was when it really mattered, when I was a teenager and then it was hellish – the outside of me hate list could go on for pages, when it started letting me down, the many comments I recieved that told me it was letting me down, the scars, actual physical scars that drive people away from me, nice normal people who get scared of me because of marks of pain…

If I could find one way in which my body did not let me down I would list it – so I suppose due credit it still gets me from A to B on most days without collapsing, but that depends on its moods.

It hurts living in here, physically and mentally, this body just is not right.

It’s not good enough.

Its not what I want it to be.

But somehow I doubt it ever will be….

So there has to be some way around it…..

Advertisements

7 Comments

Filed under addictions, below 15%, writing workshop

7 responses to “Writing Workshop – when hasn’t it…

  1. I can relate to this so much.

    My body has never been my friend really. It has let me down over and over. I have spent a long time very angry about that, I am STILL angry about that. But I am trying to make peace with it and find ways for us to co-exist.

    We are who were my love. We can’t change our bodies, or our minds. We can only learn to live together with them best we can and structure our days and our lives in ways that accommodate them.

    Be kind to yourself. You are here, alive, a miracle of existence. Perfect in your imperfections if only you can find, if only WE can find, a way to accept them.

    Much , much love. As always xx

  2. Katharine

    I don’t mean to belittle your other pain/s when I mention my first internal response to your question “when hasn’t your body let you down”?…surely the decisive answers are your children?
    Do you find dwelling on their creation inside you, the fact that your body sustained them from conception to birth and then beyond with breastfeeding changes anything about your feelings about your body? Any time I find myself feeling critical of my body for it’s many, many imperfections, I consciously marvel at it’s miraculous production of our beautiful babies, and how it functioned perfectly in labour, etc, etc….. I repeat, I am not being disrespectful of your bad experiences or your physical health – I’m curious as I find childbearing changes many women’s attitudes to their bodies – sometimes good/sometimes bad.
    And quite separately, I hope/know that time (and being kinder to yourself, inside and out) will bring you to a place of peace. I hesitate to write “know” because I have not had the upbringing or internal demons that you have hinted at. Like others, time will heal you (to a degree of “enough”) once enough time has elapsed to make you feel safe now (and separate) from the horror in your past, and to truly realise that it is PAST.
    sending you peace….

    • Thank you for that comment :) I actually thought about pregnancy and birth when I wrote this post – but to put in my history with the inability to retain pregnancies, the irritability of my uterus and the difficulty of maintaining my pregnancies just seemed too much almost- I am lucky that I got through labour – without a ceasarian…for that I am greatful. And for my body making labour as fast as it did….
      Thank you for the comment though – really :)

  3. jax

    Powerful writing. Can’t think of anything non cliched to say in further response!

  4. Katharine

    PS I too have miscarried, more than once, I do understand that the road to children is not always smooth or easy. I also escaped a (to me) terrifying caesarean (my twins were both breech but my hero of an eldest son “saved” me….long story and hence one of the many reasons why I have been on a high since they were born :) I’d love to email directly, contact me if you ever want to :)…still hoping for peace for you….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s