Photo 7 – Actually Leaving the House in Daylight Hours…

I’m pretty sure at some point I’ll make it through 2008 and into the realms of recent photography…but here we are, September 2008 at my childrens’ school Spring Fair…

This is actually part of a choir performance – and I cannot believe how young my girl looks and how happy. I miss that so much, and I hope she is still in there somewhere.

The Spring Fair was an annual challenge where you sign up to work on stalls to raise money for…something…I think it was the school (possibly). I had avoided stalls till this year when I wanted to be uber involved in my kids lives as i had missed out on so much (might write about that sometime, but that is a big expect to be judged on it thing, so it’ll wait a while)

So I worked on the badge stall (glee) and wandered around in a crowd (ARGH – considering where I was mentally at the time – I generally don’t like crowded places – at this time I loathed them) DOC was there, Bub 1, Bub 2, Capt’n Jack and I think my parents even turned up for a while.

It was a nice day, an actual nice day. It ended in a panic attack but it was a nice day. And led to one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever been given – might blog about that one day too when the thought of that doesn’t make me cry more than I already am.

Because I look at the photos from that day and I cry – and I don’t know why – maybe because my babies were so much younger and so much easier and I’m so scared that the sweet and happy side of my children has been lost in a miasma of anxiety and frustration. Maybe because I am lonely, and as screwed up as my life was then, I wasn’t lonely. Maybe its just not having the anchor of my parents anymore – I think you can decide to move away from your parents, or they can die or you can disown them, but you still know they are there and right now its as though they don’t exist…

Either way – this is what the photo is of. My daughter and her best friend, happy.

And I hope she remembers that.

And I hope that can come back.

And it really bothers me that I can’t remember the shoes she is wearing *sigh*. How bloody April is that.

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Filed under Apologies, below 15%, bub 1, bub 2, Captain Jack Sparrow, DOC, down day, family-ness, less happy side of me, parenting, Photo blog

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