End of September 2008 – still coming off medication and “studying psychology” on a fulltime basis…
Looks like I’m in a bath, doesn’t it? Took me a while, but I placed it. I’m on a slide. In a tiny playground in the back streets of Richmond. Avoiding going back to my parents house, trying to avoid the black spiral of distruction I was going through and all the people I was dragging down with me. Trying to just be, just be in the sun, first start of spring. Trying to clear my head from a nightmare night. Trying to deal with masses of loss and pain and exhaustion and bloody PTSD, trying to last ten minuites without a flashback…Trying to be. And I think, in this moment, just this one in this picture I achieved it.
I let go of all the hurt I feel every day. I let go of all the little pains that stay and stay and hurt as much now as they did when they happened. I didn’t have to hide behind noise, behind ‘fine’, behind the darkness that wasn’t depression that was something undefined.
I really, then, thought I would never feel worse.
God, I was such an idiot.
But that day the sky was blue.