I wrote this, then I took it down, now I’m putting it back up because my reasons for taking it down weren’t right…
Realising Something Needs To Change.
or Why I Will Be Saving Money on Texting and Not Going Out This Saturday.
I know that you used to actually talk to me,
I know that it wasn’t just the same things you said the last time we scrambled to a meeting ,
instant coffee and listening to me ramble about my life,
before the same potted version of yours I got the time before.
and the time before that.
I know that you used to want to spend time with me,
during some of my darkest spiral staircase days,
during times when I was most lost,
yet still you talked to me of you,
of your plans and aspirations,
of idle things, of moments, of life.
True life not the pre-packaged this is what I’m doing postcard sized
shared in gasps of time between tired and busy.
You used to be tired and busy too, but I used to have a place then.
And now I don’t.
You have so many others to share the moments with, the observations, the true you
I get the greeting card to the great aunt version while I pour my words out to you
the pain and fear and it dissapears into you like a sponge,
and the same words come back;
“you need more friends”
and I’m never sure if this is a “i’m done, leave me alone”,
or “stop talking to me”,
or if it is genuine concern but either way,
yes, I do need them, and I wanted them to start with you.
But I could vanish from your frame of reference without leaving a space to be filled.
and I don’t want to need where I am un-needed.
I thought things would be different,
you would be gald to have me, have us back in your world,
but it is a struggle for you to even see me,
let alone two children who see you as family,
there is no space for us in your Brave New World of being.
We don’t fit into gasps of time.
We are messy and needy and fall apart in an untimely manner
and we, I especially, want to know you,
not the you that you would put in a Christmas letter,
all the parts I used to know.
The life bits, the just rambly talking about nothing that friends do,
the everything is too red,
the realising how serious this time is but others who’ve known me far less time have far more time for me in this than you.
There is no space for me.
And as much as that hurts I should have realised long ago.
I never expected to walk back into your world,
but I thought maybe you would still have some place for me,
but even the friend gaps are sutured shut.
For me I will take it,
but younger? they don’t understand how family stops and you were, always were.
Now you don’t want that – can you explain it to them please?
communication is a stretch
actually seeing me so difficult.
And I don’t know why.
I don’t know what we did – because it is a we – two children who were so looking forward to having their friend back
and who don’t.
I guess you were how you were because of how you felt, then, but I can only see that now.
We won’t leave a hole,
No gap to be filled,
No loss to your world really,
and saying anything else would be futile.
You listen, you listen, you never suggest.
Thats how I know, no hole will be left.
And I can’t pretend that doesn’t hurt, but I guess more hurt is irrelivant now really isn’t it, given where I am. Just for my babies I would have wished a more generous spirit – more joy, more something. And you know what- if I have it all wrong – tell me, but not just that, tell them, my two confused babies.
This is not saying you haven’t been there – you have, occasionally, and you care , when you can. I guess I just remember the person I used to know and how they used to be and I was silly to expect you to be anything like that really wasn’t I. I don’t belong in your world. Not as a Close friend. Not really.
I just miss one of my best, most caring friends.
So this is the change I’m making.
I’m telling you this is how it looks – this is how it feels.
You are not a bad friend. Just a friend who won’t miss the extra person in his life. A friend who doesn’t want to be close to a lonely 10 and 8 year old. But you really should have made that clear before. See silly me I had visions of you actually wanting to hang out with them. Or actually wanting to spend time with me that I didn’t request.
But you don’t.
And if you ever want to tell me why, please do.
Because I miss my friend so much.