I don’t care about clever titles that draw readers in, I don’t care about trying to be “nice”, I don’t care about being amusing and anacdotery. I need somewhere to vent before I explode emotionally and things get very. messy. indeed and as much as I’ve grown up with the philospohy of “not washing ones dirty laundry in public” I’ve regularly gone to laundromats so for now this is my space and my time and if you aren’t in the mood for some self indulgent sooking then please feel free not to read.
I’m hurting and I’m being hurt. I don’t know what it is about me but I tend to draw people to me that will do this to me. I know I am hurt easily so I’ll give people the benifit of the doubt and probably put up with a lot more than those that aren’t hurt so simply, but in the end I get REALLY hurt. And right now I am REALLY hurt.
I’m not going to put down names, and I suppose if you wanted to you could do some kind of complex web serchy thing and work out who the hell I actually am and who the hell I’m talking about – but I’m willing to bet that anyone who stumbles upon this blog probably wouldn’t bother, becuase honesty, who cares?
I certainly don’t spend hours trying to find the true identity of others from their blogs I read and move on with my life.
So yes, back to the point in hand, I am hurt, badly, again.
And I don’t know what I’ve done. In fact I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything and I’m pretty sure in this situation (messy as it has been in the past) for once, I’m right. I’m allowed to be hurt by this. I thought I had at least a friend in someone, which to me affords a certain courtesy, such as, well you know, being in touch once in a month or so, or texting occasionally – particularly when I consider how close we were – oooh in JUNE!
But now – nothing. I’ve been dropped, dumped, ignored, rolled past and left behind. And the bit that gets to me is I DON’T KNOW WHY and I haven’t been told I’ve been this, no not even that “courtesy” – not even a “I don’t like you anymore I’m not going to have any contact with you” just straight from ‘love’ to – well great big black space void. And when you have grown up being abandonned by those you love on a regular basis and then it KEEPS HAPPENING when you grow up it really makes you wonder. I end up stuck on the “What the hell is wrong with me? Am I that defective that people just can’t stand to be around me anymore? That they can’t even do me the courtesy of a ‘sorry, don’t want anything more to do with you’ message…am I THAT horrible?” And thats what I end up at every time. That I’m horrible, that being around me is hard and torture and I don’t make anything better for anyone, and in fact, must MUST make thier lives worse by a mile.
Otherwise I’d at least be worth a good bye wouldn’t I?
I get I’m not simple. I get I love a lot. I get that I can be hard work. But I’d like to think I’m worth it.
Apparently I’m not. To anyone. And I don’t know what to change about me to make it so. And that is the hardest thing of all.