I Don’t care….I just don’t anymore

 

I don’t care about clever titles that draw readers in, I don’t care about trying to be “nice”, I don’t care about being amusing and anacdotery. I need somewhere to vent before I explode emotionally and things get very. messy. indeed and as much as I’ve grown up with the philospohy of “not washing ones dirty laundry in public” I’ve regularly gone to laundromats so for now this is my space and my time and if you aren’t in the mood for some self indulgent sooking then please feel free not to read.

I’m hurting and I’m being hurt. I don’t know what it is about me but I tend to draw people to me that will do this to me. I know I am hurt easily so I’ll give people the benifit of the doubt and probably put up with a lot more than those that aren’t hurt so simply, but in the end I get REALLY hurt. And right now I am REALLY hurt.

I’m not going to put down names, and I suppose if you wanted to you could do some kind of complex web serchy thing and work out who the hell I actually am and who the hell I’m talking about – but I’m willing to bet that anyone who stumbles upon this blog probably wouldn’t bother, becuase honesty, who cares?

I certainly don’t spend hours trying to find the true identity of others from their blogs I read and move on with my life.

So yes, back to the point in hand, I am hurt, badly, again.

And I don’t know what I’ve done. In fact I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything and I’m pretty sure in this situation (messy as it has been in the past) for once, I’m right. I’m allowed to be hurt by this. I thought I had at least a friend in someone, which to me affords a certain courtesy, such as, well you know, being in touch once in a month or so, or texting occasionally – particularly when I consider how close we were – oooh in JUNE!

But now – nothing. I’ve been dropped, dumped, ignored, rolled past and left behind. And the bit that gets to me is I DON’T KNOW WHY and I haven’t been told I’ve been this, no not even that “courtesy” – not even a “I don’t like you anymore I’m not going to have any contact with you” just straight from ‘love’ to – well great big black space void. And when you have grown up being abandonned by those you love on a regular basis and then it KEEPS HAPPENING when you grow up it really makes you wonder. I end up stuck on the “What the hell is wrong with me? Am I that defective that people just can’t stand to be around me anymore? That they can’t even do me the courtesy of a ‘sorry, don’t want anything more to do with you’ message…am I THAT horrible?” And thats what I end up at every time. That I’m horrible, that being around me is hard and torture and I don’t make anything better for anyone, and in fact, must MUST make thier lives worse by a mile.

Otherwise I’d at least be worth a good bye wouldn’t I?

I get I’m not simple. I get I love a lot. I get that I can be hard work. But I’d like to think I’m worth it.

Apparently I’m not. To anyone. And I don’t know what to change about me to make it so. And that is the hardest thing of all.

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3 Comments

Filed under GAAAH

3 responses to “I Don’t care….I just don’t anymore

  1. Katharine

    Of course you are worth it! I’m having a nightmare day too, but I’m drawing strength from the thought of my husband, my children and all those who love me….and you should do the same. Bad things happen to good people….sometimes really bad things… but that doesn’t mean we are worthless. I can totally understand the feeling of being “left behind” and passed over and forgotten, and how much it hurts…but it’s always about the other person, and the fact that you must represent something very confronting to that person. They will know what they have done to you, if not now then later, and they will feel very bad. All you can do is try to keep your chin up, know you were yourself and have nothing to regret in your own conduct. Eventually you will feel better and be able to see the failings in that person that enabled them to treat you in such a shocking way. xxxx hugsxxxxx
    PS Apologies if I sound too “full on”…..I’m a full on kind of person and at the moment am dealing with shock and a terrible situation…but not a take-personally kind of situation….so I’m waffling. I can do that. And the rare vodka I have just prescribed myself on an empty tummy (never done that during the day….interesting effect!) doesn’t seem to be curbing my typing. Anyway. I hope you feel better about writing this. I find things always seem less horrendous, and overwhelming, once they are written out on the screen in front of me. Hope it is thus for you.

  2. I’m not sure what to say here that I won’t say or haven’t said to you in person. I’m glad you’re not letting certain people’s paranoia stop you from writing. It’s ridiculous. This is your blog. Let it be what you want it to be. The right people will appreciate it, and those who don’t are under no obligation to come back.

    And yes, you are worth it. x

  3. Oh hun, for what it’s worth – I care, very much. I think you need to use this space the way you need to use it, not worry about what others say or feel – I need my blog to deconstruct and talk about my feelings so I dont bottle them up – if you need to do something similar, and if it helps you to do so, then do it. Look after yourself before you worry about anyone else!

    I don’t know what’s going down with you in this situation, I feel we are very similar in that we open ourselves and are very trusting of people and that can tend to backfire when our expectations aren’t met and our vulnerability is revealed. There’s not much we can do it about it. It will involve lots of people hurting us and times when we just want to run away from it all, but you know what else I discovered? It also opens us up to really, truly wonderful people in our lives that are there for us 100%. They are hard to find, sometimes they aren’t the people you would choose or would think of, but they are there, so don’t feel bad about who or what you are – be proud and stand tall, and the right people will find you, and they are the keepers.

    xoxox

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