Just so DOWN.

Okay, so I promised I would be honest in my blog from now on, so I’m going to be.

And I really am down. Very down. There are many reasons for this – this is going to be a potted list of those as I try to get some of this crap out of my system.

1. I’m lonely. Very lonely. I have some most excellent family here, DOC and two kids, but that is it. All. No one else I can meet for coffees, no one else to chat with, no one else. And its lonely. I love my family, I adore spending time with them, but I don’t want to be too dependant. And DOC and Bub 1 and Bub 2 I am with all the time. I know this sounds so ungrateful but I’m still just empty and lonely.

2. I am exhausted all the time.

3. I used to be able to control what I ate, to limit it. I can’t now. I hate that. Now my body has taken over and tells me it feels sick if I try too hard. I hate this.

4. I really really dislike the way I look – which for me, being brought up in a way where this means everything (even though with me and others it NEVER does) means I hate myself so much.

5. I am not doing what I love and I am seeing posts on Facebook from people who I was doing the course with who are. And I am so Jealous. And I HATE that. But I miss it so so much. Acting is like air to me, without it I just don’t know what to do.

6. I have not come to terms with my parents move yet.

There is more, much more, more backtracking, more I am so greatful for my online friends, for the light my family do bring, for all of that but I am hurting and sad and lost and alone.

And that is where I am. That is where I am.

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4 Comments

Filed under new blog, random bumph

4 responses to “Just so DOWN.

  1. Oh I so want to send you a hug & some constructive advice but not sure I can (well the advice bit!). Have you talked to your parents about their move. They may be able to help you reconcile yourself. As for the course, is there anything else you can do? The key to feeling better will be feeling that you are achieving but it has to be something you regard as valuable. Try to think outside the box. There may be something that you had no idea would be of interest that can create that spark to get you going again. In the meantime I’m sending a bouquest of hugs!

  2. Oh hun, I too, want to come and give you big hugs. I know its not the same, but you do have a wonderful online community who care for you and want to see you get well. PLease dont feel lonely when I am just a click away xoxox

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