Okay, so I promised I would be honest in my blog from now on, so I’m going to be.
And I really am down. Very down. There are many reasons for this – this is going to be a potted list of those as I try to get some of this crap out of my system.
1. I’m lonely. Very lonely. I have some most excellent family here, DOC and two kids, but that is it. All. No one else I can meet for coffees, no one else to chat with, no one else. And its lonely. I love my family, I adore spending time with them, but I don’t want to be too dependant. And DOC and Bub 1 and Bub 2 I am with all the time. I know this sounds so ungrateful but I’m still just empty and lonely.
2. I am exhausted all the time.
3. I used to be able to control what I ate, to limit it. I can’t now. I hate that. Now my body has taken over and tells me it feels sick if I try too hard. I hate this.
4. I really really dislike the way I look – which for me, being brought up in a way where this means everything (even though with me and others it NEVER does) means I hate myself so much.
5. I am not doing what I love and I am seeing posts on Facebook from people who I was doing the course with who are. And I am so Jealous. And I HATE that. But I miss it so so much. Acting is like air to me, without it I just don’t know what to do.
6. I have not come to terms with my parents move yet.
There is more, much more, more backtracking, more I am so greatful for my online friends, for the light my family do bring, for all of that but I am hurting and sad and lost and alone.
And that is where I am. That is where I am.