I thought this time would be different. i thought this time i had a place a belonged. I thought this time it would not be like this.
I was deluding myself, again.
I am alone, again.
i am lonely again.
I am lost again.
Many things I was just starting to value have vanished.
I guess that the new year will be some time to try and desperately cobble together some kind of life. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of aim.
But right now I want to hide in bed. For a very long time.
Only I can’t. There is Christmas. And Family. and obligation.
but thats it.
no joy, just fear.
Only just as I wrote this things got lighter – things were made just that little bit lighter that little bit happier. I don’t think I will ever underrate my extended family ever. They are wonderful and make the possibility of joy so much more real. and then my bubs – well they have their own special brand of joy. So not just fear. Not just.