New Decade. Less dots after title. But still meander-y.

So, this time ten years ago – or rather this time in 2000 it’s almost like my life hadn’t really started, not really, not in all the big important ways…

And I was sane – well saner than I am now…I was as sane as I have ever been might be the way to put it.

And while now I’m not In sane (which strikes me as a rather odd description for someone who is not sane – surely it should be un sane) Ahem – insane in the traditional view of it – you know the slavering mad eyed creature locked in a padded cell thing? (not that that is current and they were probably completely off their trolley from Absinthe or too much opium or something)

Anyway – I am now officially mentally ill – which I wasn’t in 2000. I now have many more problems than I had in 2000, more anxieties, more disorders, more scars.

I was married in 2000 (not in 2000, but by 2000). I’m now not.

I was just (only just) a Mum in 2000 – I now have a 11-year-old and a 8-year-old.

I had dropped out of Uni and not completed one degree in 2000. Now I have done that roughly another 5 times.

I had only lived in Melbourne in 2000. Now I have lived in WA and NSW and Geelong and actually lived in 14 different houses and flats *phew*

In 2000 I wasn’t sure of who I was and what I wanted to do. I now, at least, know what I want to do :)

Since 2000 I have spent a grand total of roughly 13 weeks in hospital – which is far too much by my account.

Since 2000 I have had two worst years, or maybe three, but definitely two including 2010.

In 2000 I kept a diary of sorts – now I blog.

But now,

Now.

Now even though I have so many mental diagnoses it takes me about fifteen minutes to reel them off to a doctor I at least know them all backwards, I know they don’t make me me, they are as much something outside of you as the flu (very very bad flu) and do not stop you from being you.

Now I know I am always going to feel what many others may consider “too much” But I like it. I like feeling deep sadness and great joy, and if the sadness often outweighs the joy, well at least it makes the joy all the more precious :)

I’m not married – but because of that have met some of the most amazing people I would otherwise have not had the chance to meet.

The eleven year old and eight year old – my lovely Bub 1 and 2 – I would not trade for anything. ANYTHING. NO MATTER HOW LOUDLY THEY ARE SCREAMING RIGHT NOW…

I have enrolled in a new course, with the possibility of another, and finally realised that maybe I don’t need a degree to do the only thing I really want to do – maybe I just need connections, some more experience, workshops, headshots and an agent :)

I love where we are living now. I have no plans of leaving. For once I don’t want to (although when Bub 1 hits high school it may be necessary but then only to a bigger house.)

Now I am hoping for a decade free of hospitals. Please. Except for minor injuries and broken bones. For some reason that seems okay.

Now, 2011, I am hoping and praying and wishing and anything else I can think of that you will do a darn sight better by me and mine that 2010. Please. Be kind. Give us a year free of trauma? Please?.

So there we are. A decade older, and not feeling it at all. (ha ha (hollow laughter))

May 2011 and the rest of the decade be amazing for you all. May it bring what you want and what you need. May it bring hope and joy and all good things, including gourmet ice cream and cake. And balloons and streamers.

Happy New Year.

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3 Comments

Filed under new year

3 responses to “New Decade. Less dots after title. But still meander-y.

  1. Here’s hoping 2011 is a good year.

  2. There’s so much I want to say about what you have written, but words really do escape me. I’ve been thinking about it for the last couple of days and it’s all just too big. Too much time, too many events, good and bad.

    I’m glad I got to share this last decade with you. I’m looking forward to sharing the next, much better decade with you too.

    You are strong and capable and so much more than worthy. Happiest of new years! xo

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