I set out to write this blog to prove to myself that I wasn’t something. That I wasn’t being something that I feel very strongly I shouldn’t. I ended up finding out that I was. So stick with me through the mini dictionary below and we’ll get to a semi-interesting blog-like-thing
See, the thing is – I was always quite proud of myself for not being this :-
1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2. a.Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.
But if I look at definition 1 & 5 I guess I am...
And I was always very proud for not feeling this :-
1.a. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
b. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.
And I think I’m doing okay there because I don’t….
Yet I was always happy (well relatively happy, in the sense of “I accept that I feel this way”) to claim this one…
1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.
2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged.
1. A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
2. Extreme, irrational distrust of others.
Yes, Number 2 in the second and both of the first. (thankfully never the 1st in the 2nd)
Because well, I am paranoid. And I know why I’m paranoid. And until I’ve worked through all of the stuff that has made me this way then I’m not going to stop being paranoid…
I get paranoid that I’ve said the wrong thing to people in supermarkets,
that other mothers and fathers at school stay away from me on purpose because of how I dress,
that people will automatically dislike me,
I over analyze every text message for subtext sure that some where somewhere something bad is happening,
I have a hell of a time sending bub 1 and 2 to their friends houses
and think the mailman kept back our christmas mail till today on purpose .
I also used to think everyone else in the world had secret meetings at night and planned the next day without me (don’t judge me too much – I was 6) – see – completely paranoid and can see it.
And want to change it.
But in the meantime how do I stop being jealous?
See Jealousy to me is always one of those whispered, evil, wrong person words except when bandied about in lighthearted use – you know “I’ve got that great new dress/shoes/computer/car/agent/job” “oooh I am so jealous” But see I don’t even say that, so big and bad is Jealous. I say “I have new dress envy” or “agent envy” or “distinct car envy”…you know…bantery…’happy for that person they got a good thing wouldn’t it be great to have but nah not for me’ type stuff…
Jealousy is a green eyed snake monster. Jealousy is in big bold capital letters WRONG (hear the echo?)
But if I look at it – purely definition based – I think well – maybe, just maybe it isn’t so wrong. Not for me. Not given my history, the situation etc.
It’s not good to feel this way but there is a definite chance that I could have good reason for feeling “Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.” and also very good reasons for being a bit “Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity”. In fact I think most people would do at some time or another.
So maybe jealousy needs another word.
There can be the kind where you just want what that person has and hate them for having it.
And then there is the kind where you are scared of what that person wants to take away from you and know that you have no chance going up against them.
And that, that is where I have to be okay to be right now.
Because that is where I am.
(oh and if anyone knows how to make WP spacing work or has suggestions for the 2nd type of Jealousy please let me know?)