trying.

Past. Present. Future.

Past. Present. Future.

I broke. I am broken. I will break?

I shattered. I am shattered. I will shatter?

I cut. I am wounded. I will heal. (but I have no hope of that….)

Oh. I was hopeful. I hoped. I am hoping. I will hope.

except…I’m not.

I struggled. I struggle. I will struggle.

Yes. That. Because that is what the world feels like, like being bound too tightly while being shattered inside a muffling cocoon.

I fight at this world at these bonds I look for my glimpses of freedom through the cocoon – a mummy. I am a Mummy – ha – in more than one sense.

I cannot remember a free time now, a time where I could breathe, a time I was not restrained by this weight of binding tape so tight. I can’t look back on that girl that was or the girl that is to be or the woman that may come one day and hope that I make it through becaus e of this.

I am alone, alone and isolated wrapped and muffled world of compulsion and restriction and so so so so so many rules, rules for all my life rules made by my mind, by other, by the world I was brought into by the world my thoughts adapted to and they bind so tightly.

I won’t ever escape.

Never fear I’ve given up on the hope of that now. existance is what it is. it just is. I function. I feel . I laugh . I cry sometimes. I seldom scream anymore – they echo in my head empty …empty like the words that used to come so freely, empty like a glass a cup a good day.

I try. I really, really try. I do. I am I pull and move and yank and try to work my fingers free but the wont move anymore.

I see the light and the shadows and I cannot imagine ever being free or what free feels like.

So. I was restrained. I am restrained. I will be restrained.

Three words that conjugate the same.

Three words that show my world so perfectly.

The unchanging binds and wraps.

I hope no more.

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3 Comments

Filed under writing workshop

3 responses to “trying.

  1. From someone else, very firmly wrapped in an impossible cocoon (I’M A MUMMY TOO! HA!!) I send you much, much love. With you in the fog, lovely girl, a hand to hold even if I can’t see the way out xx

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