Category Archives: Apologies

For everyone, caught in the unbearable.

I came accross a link to Lori’s blog last night on twitter :

RT Every tweet I have, please read, pray or send good thoughts to Lori & family RT @Lori_RRSAHM: I need your prayers.http://goo.gl/fb/6TwtR

 

I had followed her for a while before my blog reading drop off and loved her blog, but now she is in a horrific situation as are her children as is her husband Tony, please pray, offer good thoughts, whatever you can thier way.

So for Lori and anyone else who is caught in the unbareable, the intolerable, the horrific or even just the emotionally or physically crippling this is for you. I wish I could do more. I really do.

 

I know that this blog has been

somewhat of a teenagers dairy in the last six months

but not all has been said

and the true depth of life has not been stated

maybe it should have been.

 

But that will change

from now on I will be truthful if nothing else.

if in pain, through joy, through fear -truthful.

and while I haven’t lied,

I’ve hidden, I’ve tried to make good reading.

but it isn’t.

 

and then I realise how bad things can get,

how bad they could be,

so for all of us,

for the lesser broken.

 

For those caught in circumstances beyond their control

that are ruining their lives

that are just holding it together.

 

For those who deserve so much more

than what is happening to them right now

than what they are exisiting through

because there is no way to live

 

for those heartsore, heartbroken

exhausted and scared.

For those who wake up and just

don’t really want the day.

 

For anyone, anywhere caught in the unbearable

caught in so much less than what they need

or what they deserve,

what they can live through.

 

Today I think of you all

all of you.

I hope for the best for all of the hurt and ill

all of the sorrowful and broken

all of the lost and afraid

 

and I ask you to do the same.

And maybe, just maybe we can change something for someone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Of definitions, Harvey Danger and lipstick.

I set out to write this blog to prove to myself that I wasn’t something. That I wasn’t being something that I feel very strongly I shouldn’t. I ended up finding out that I was. So stick with me through the mini dictionary below and we’ll get to a semi-interesting blog-like-thing
See, the thing is – I was always quite proud of myself for not being this :-
Jealous
1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

2. a.Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.

b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.
But if I look at definition 1 & 5 I guess I am...
And I was always very proud for not feeling this :-

en·vies

1.a. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

b. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.
And I think I’m doing okay there because I don’t….
Yet I was always happy (well relatively happy,  in the sense of “I accept that I feel this way”) to claim this one…

par·a·noid

1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.
2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged.

par·a·noi·a

1. A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
2. Extreme, irrational distrust of others.
*
Yes, Number 2 in the second and both of the first. (thankfully never the 1st in the 2nd)
Because well, I am paranoid. And I know why I’m paranoid. And until I’ve worked through all of the stuff that has made me this way then I’m not going to stop being paranoid…
I get paranoid that I’ve said the wrong thing to people in supermarkets,
that other mothers and fathers at school stay away from me on purpose because of how I dress,
that people will automatically dislike me,
I over analyze  every text message for subtext sure that some where somewhere something bad is happening,
I have a hell of a time sending bub 1 and 2 to their friends houses
and think the mailman kept back our christmas mail till today on purpose .
I also used to think everyone else in the world had secret meetings at night and planned the next day without me (don’t judge me too much – I was 6) – see – completely paranoid and can see it.
And want to change it.
But in the meantime how do I stop being jealous?
See Jealousy to me is always one of those whispered, evil, wrong person words except when bandied about in lighthearted use – you know “I’ve got that great new dress/shoes/computer/car/agent/job” “oooh I am so jealous”  But see I don’t even say that, so big and bad is Jealous. I say “I have new dress envy” or “agent envy” or “distinct car envy”…you know…bantery…’happy for that person they got a good thing wouldn’t it be great to have but nah not for me’ type stuff…
Jealousy is a green eyed snake monster. Jealousy is in big bold capital letters WRONG (hear the echo?)
But if I look at it – purely definition based – I think well – maybe, just maybe it isn’t so wrong. Not for me. Not given my history, the situation etc.
It’s not good to feel this way but there is a definite chance that I could have good reason for feeling “Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.” and also very good reasons for being a bit “Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity”. In fact I think most people would do at some time or another.
So maybe jealousy needs another word.
There can be the kind where you just want what that person has and hate them for having it.
And then there is the kind where you are scared of what that person wants to take away from you and know that you have no chance going up against them.
And that, that is where I have to be okay to be right now.
Because that is where I am.
(oh and if anyone knows how to make WP spacing work or has suggestions for the 2nd type of Jealousy please let me know?)
“I’m paranoid, I’m paranoid, everybody’s coming to get me….” (just for a bit of teenage angst and because I think it’s the only song I know about it and without it the title makes no sense)
* definitions thanks to http://www.thefreedictionary.com/

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This time….

I thought this time would be different. i thought this time i had a place a belonged. I thought this time it would not be like this.

I was deluding myself, again.

I am alone, again.

i am lonely again.

I am lost again.

Many things I was just starting to value have vanished.

I guess that the new year will be some time to try and desperately cobble together some kind of life. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of aim.

But right now I want to hide in bed. For a very long time.

Only I can’t. There is Christmas. And Family. and obligation.

but thats it.

no joy, just fear.

 

Only just as I wrote this things got lighter – things were made just that little bit lighter that little bit happier. I don’t think I will ever underrate my extended family ever. They are wonderful and make the possibility of joy so much more real. and then my bubs – well they have their own special brand of joy. So not just fear. Not just.

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A Story of a Christmas Type Nature

The glass spheres glittered and sparkled in the candlelight  and he sat before the fire. Bone weary, watching the snow spin as the flames flickered behind the bauble he held, his reason for it all, commitment made long ago.

Curls of wood litter the floor, sharpened tools blunted at rest he is free just to watch.

The small carved figures unperturbed by the movement of the water that surrounded them, the sudden apparent blizzard or the incongruity of snow in the middle east.

The mother a Raphalite goddess this time cradling her near naked child, the father shocked and standing at one remove, leaning towards and yet away and above them all the pinprick of light, visible even against the shadows and dancing beams.

Last year they had been more traditional, some part of him seemed to remember – there had been a donkey and shepherds.

The year before that he based them on the original carving by Francis Of Assisi – or was that the year before? They swam together now, the swarm of years and his eyes grew tired at the end of his nights work.

Gently he placed the family on a wooden stand, watching the snow swirl and settle as his eyes drifted closed, another joyful evening complete and not that much time before the sun would rise.

The hundred rainbows of light shone from refracting spheres, magnifying the internal worlds, no use for them now for another long twelve months.

Each a perfect capsule of a moment in time. In place. A perfect entity. Perfect in their imperfections as if some hand had slipped in the carving of that angle of that roof or that animal’s tail.


Stay, just for a while now, and watch, quietly. See…not a hand moves but – there did you see?

It is snowing. That globe, top shelf left, see, just like when you were little and you took one in your hand and shook it?

watch the snow fly and settle and bury the roofs of the city…

And there – bottom right – look, from here you can just make it out – that isn’t a  reflection, a trick of the firelight, firelight isn’t the yellow of early morning lamp before sunrise

See, see the shadows dance on the wall as the mother walks her baby to and fro, to and fro waiting through the long night for the morning…

And this one?

This one is beautiful isn’t it  you can almost hear the sea as it moves…and yes, yes that man is just having a little sleep on the beach before he goes home.

Why?

And why in his suit and tie and angel wings?

I think probably because he was at that party there – see – the one with all the fairy lights and the tinsel?

The one where the people are singing the same carol again and again – yes it does sound an awful lot like that next door….

And why are they called fairly lights? well I think that’s…

Yes, that one over there does look like the big tower you studied in school..

And doesn’t that one over there look just like the front of that card we got last week? All covered in snow and so still. All the roofs and the cars and the….

Yes, that one is all so busy isn’t it – look at the cars go and the trains and the people all rushing to be, be somewhere else…and all those tall buildings, I never realised how many there could be in one place, did you?

And all those lights – they almost look like stars….

The bottom ones look all the same?

Look closer – all different.

But no ones moving there?

They aren’t magic?

But aren’t they beautiful.

Yes, a lovely family.

Yes boys did used to wear dresses an awful lot in the olden days….

But look – there is one where the animals look like they are singing, and there is one where the family are curled together asleep…

Why are they here? How did you think it worked my love, a million children, one night? Doorways aren’t always filled with door.

There, shake the globe again, I know they look like stars don’t they? A hundred snowflakes, snow globes, candles spinning out in all directions oh and see…they are…a million stars against a deep blue sky.

Now sleep…no, not till the morning…no we have rules about unwrapping them you know that….lie down now…close your eyes…listen for the bells.


He straightens slowly from below the tree. The  lights flashed rainbows of light over the globe as he grasped it again, a shelf of captured time to go before he was done.

Returning the smile of the child who had not forgotten. A sudden clatter of hooves, a moment, a breath, then all was still.

And that part of the world began to turn again.

And in its ever changing sphere on a shelf a houses lights go out as a mother climbs into her sheet clad bed, listening to what she hopes will be the final chorus from the party next door.

And twelve tiny reindeer swing up and away, flickering from globe to globe, so they almost seem to dance.

Till once again it is Christmas Day.


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Hiatus

And this is why I haven’t been blogging.

I made a decision at the start of the year to go to one acting school over another – not as big a commitment, fantastic training – I thought – and for some it may be, for me it was a ten week ride to hell with no brakes. And now the Acting school I thought I could go to in second semester if the first one didn’t work out? Well that, that isn’t doing a mid year intake (told me they were- they aren’t)

I haven’t been blogging because I have been massively physically ill – won’t bore you with the details but it has sucked.

I haven’t been blogging because every. single. day I re-live all the pain that has ever happened to me, and it is destroying me.

I don’t know which way is up from here. I’m not depressed. I’m not in need of anti depressants. I am Post Traumatically Disordered, I am Generally Anxious with panic attacks that last for half an hour and make peoples reaction to “Paranormal Activity” look like a fun day at the beach, I am not eating much of anything. I want to dissapear.

I started my new blog and she still might grow – we’ll see. In the meantime I will feel like this :-

And thats the thing – I know so many of you are my friends, are there – but I feel so unwanted and unneccesary in a purely basic, logical way. I want to vanish.

So this will be me. Just for now. And that has to be okay.

Because – you see-


photo credit here and here

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Filed under acting and auditions, Apologies, below 15%, breathe me, down day, not exactly amusing, Photo blog

There is a reward at the bottom of this post – worth it – really (oh and maybe another photo- maybe)

This is a picture of me and Bub 1 at Northland going to see ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua” for her 9th birthday. We spent a VERY long time in the ‘Time Zone’ there . (I know it isn’t Time Zone but it was when I was little so Time Zone it shall remain :P). This mirror was outside of the Pancake Parlour where we took her for dinner, and I took photos of my babies and the manager came over and asked me what I was taking photos of and why and made me feel incredably guilty for taking photos of my daughters birthday, but we have some lovely ones of her blowing out the smauggled in candle on top of ice cream on a pancake :) She was happy. I was happy.

We are not happy now. I know this is more bad stuff and that is all that this blog has been and I hate it, but right now I feel like I’ve destroyed everything – my course fell apart, my Bub 1 is being bullied, my Bub 2 no longer wants to dance, I feel like I should be getting them to change schools, I truely do. I feel like we should move and change schools – that feels right to me – but I’m scared, I don’t trust my instincts any more.

This week has been so stressful – we had two nights of me waiting for Bub 2 to get sick, sure that he was, then he got sick, temp and all on my Birthday (which I don’t mind in a ‘screwed up my birthday way – not that into them really), and then a cough like a seal, Bub 1’s Anxiety then turned into full blown panic attacks about catching what he has ( she has be we are calling what is a throat virus in him, a cold for her) and then today Bub 2 comes home, freaked out about chicken pox ( 3 spots thus far- this has been since 4pm – figure not chicken pox – thank you twitterbuddies – much help :) ) and he no longer wants to dance. My beautiful happy boy doesn’t want to do dance class. He was meant to be learning it at school. That was one of my criteria for a school. He isn’t. Also Bub 1 isn’t doing Art – no longer wants to be an artist and is so shaken by the bullying…I just want to move them somewhere safe with art, with a dance team or club, I can’t guarentee friends but I can a good anti-bullying policy….

I know a long whine – apologies – but if nothing else I have a reason – I spent the morning with a psychiatrist – who might help – except that I have to take my germ phobic self to a GP surgery to see her O.o…and then walked down parramatta rd from Leichardt to Ashfield – BAD walk when you haven’t been walking on hilly ground, in a hurry to get home, carrying heavy bag for a good month….So I’m exhausted and sore and sad and just want a stress free week. I want to write about the happy, the amusing, the light.

But life is just so heavy.

So to help (if you made it this far) here is someone who is not letting life get him down – I’ve friended him on FB and written to him – he is amazing – listen to this and if you think its worthwhile, look at his other stuff…he’s pretty damn grown up for a twenty something ‘dude’ – Presenting the “Fully Sick Rapper”

Oh and if you aren’t into that – compare these two – very clever –

   

There – wasn’t it worth it?

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Filed under Apologies, below 15%, bub 1, bub 2, DOC, down day, family-ness, GAH my birthday, less happy side of me, mum-ing about, music, random bumph, sick children, thank god for youtube, twtter, unwell

Photo 7 – Actually Leaving the House in Daylight Hours…

I’m pretty sure at some point I’ll make it through 2008 and into the realms of recent photography…but here we are, September 2008 at my childrens’ school Spring Fair…

This is actually part of a choir performance – and I cannot believe how young my girl looks and how happy. I miss that so much, and I hope she is still in there somewhere.

The Spring Fair was an annual challenge where you sign up to work on stalls to raise money for…something…I think it was the school (possibly). I had avoided stalls till this year when I wanted to be uber involved in my kids lives as i had missed out on so much (might write about that sometime, but that is a big expect to be judged on it thing, so it’ll wait a while)

So I worked on the badge stall (glee) and wandered around in a crowd (ARGH – considering where I was mentally at the time – I generally don’t like crowded places – at this time I loathed them) DOC was there, Bub 1, Bub 2, Capt’n Jack and I think my parents even turned up for a while.

It was a nice day, an actual nice day. It ended in a panic attack but it was a nice day. And led to one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever been given – might blog about that one day too when the thought of that doesn’t make me cry more than I already am.

Because I look at the photos from that day and I cry – and I don’t know why – maybe because my babies were so much younger and so much easier and I’m so scared that the sweet and happy side of my children has been lost in a miasma of anxiety and frustration. Maybe because I am lonely, and as screwed up as my life was then, I wasn’t lonely. Maybe its just not having the anchor of my parents anymore – I think you can decide to move away from your parents, or they can die or you can disown them, but you still know they are there and right now its as though they don’t exist…

Either way – this is what the photo is of. My daughter and her best friend, happy.

And I hope she remembers that.

And I hope that can come back.

And it really bothers me that I can’t remember the shoes she is wearing *sigh*. How bloody April is that.

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Filed under Apologies, below 15%, bub 1, bub 2, Captain Jack Sparrow, DOC, down day, family-ness, less happy side of me, parenting, Photo blog