Just DON’T okay?

Have you ever noticed how many things n the average day you are told NOT to do, which can severely hamper your ability of doing- well- everything?

Firstly there is the “DO NOT tumble dry” tag. This tag on appears on well, anything machine washable (and in all honesty unless I’m happy to send- my- children- off- to- school- in- damp- clothes- in- the- middle- of -winter- I- just- live- in- a -flat -and -can’t -afford -another- clothes- horse- have- you -SEEN- the -cost- of -those- things!) machine washable things WILL be tumble dried.

And will come out the other side of it not too much the worse for it thank you very much mr “I’m not sure if this cheap garment I am selling you for an insane price (its a top. with sleeves. in YELLOW. this should not cost $40 – am I right here?) will stand up to being tumbled about in warm air”…if it won’t stand that then how will it survive my 8 year old climbing a tree or, well, anything climbable…hmmmm?

There is the DO NOT use on Laminated/woodgrain/wood/glass/plastic surfaces spray cleaner…WhAT are you there to clean?

‘Cause if i cut all that stuff it out it leaves me with the cleaning cloth, and while I like a nice clean cleaning cloth, its not really what I bought you for…in fact maybe I should be using you on the kids clothes- no tumble drying issues then…

There is the Silica jel…you know the stuff that comes in food stuffs in little plastic containers, that used to be little paper bags stamped all over with DO NOT eat? .

You know why? because it will absorb all the moisture from your body and you will die, like a raisin – or thats what I thought when bub 1 broke one open and ate 2 tiny grains of the stuff – turns out it CAN do this – but not in such small amounts as the very nice 000 operator, then the very nice poisons line, then the very nice nurse on call then the very nice mother and child helpline I called all told me ( maybe that is why she can consume so much and put it -um-nowhere- my stick like enviable daughter)..

But back to the gel. Seriously – who would eat this stuff?

Recently I’ve noticed it comes in little canisters with food and only in sachets in new shoes, because there THERE is where i look for food. In my shoes.

I buy new shoes I always look for the nice surprise of “what goodies have they left for me to eat inside?” .Oooh! tissue paper! nom nom nom!…whats this? a small white sachet? Great! Must be some kind of Wizz Fizz… in all honesty if they are going to do this shouldn’t it be stamped on the shoe too?

And then, while not quite the same, is the warnings on medicine – I know they are necessary – really I do.

I don’t know about you but I WANT my sleeping tablet to make me drowsy – I won’t take it then operate heavy machinery unless you can call a doona that – I want it to make me sleep.

I want Parachoc to have a laxitive effect on my children.

I know that Peanuts contain traces of nuts and that sesame snaps contain traces of seed and that eggs may contain traces of nut ,egg dairy or seed…

And part of me wonders who these warnings are for and if we can no longer use our minds at all, or that is what government peoples in charge of such things expect, or if companies are just to busy covering their own arses to realise that maybe most of us can work this out for ourselves?

If the warnings were in multiple languages then i’d understand, I don’t know what I can do with what overseas – I’m fairly sure it works the same way coming here (mind you I’m pretty sure there are no countries where they put lollies in your new shoes)  and dryclean only – adore that tag -although it can lie – again – judgement call.

Seriously – Its like  having my parents here…all. the.time.

whats next? A tag that says “this is white and should not be washed with colours” on white clothes? Oh wait…they already have that!

Photo 7 – Actually Leaving the House in Daylight Hours…

I’m pretty sure at some point I’ll make it through 2008 and into the realms of recent photography…but here we are, September 2008 at my childrens’ school Spring Fair…

This is actually part of a choir performance – and I cannot believe how young my girl looks and how happy. I miss that so much, and I hope she is still in there somewhere.

The Spring Fair was an annual challenge where you sign up to work on stalls to raise money for…something…I think it was the school (possibly). I had avoided stalls till this year when I wanted to be uber involved in my kids lives as i had missed out on so much (might write about that sometime, but that is a big expect to be judged on it thing, so it’ll wait a while)

So I worked on the badge stall (glee) and wandered around in a crowd (ARGH – considering where I was mentally at the time – I generally don’t like crowded places – at this time I loathed them) DOC was there, Bub 1, Bub 2, Capt’n Jack and I think my parents even turned up for a while.

It was a nice day, an actual nice day. It ended in a panic attack but it was a nice day. And led to one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever been given – might blog about that one day too when the thought of that doesn’t make me cry more than I already am.

Because I look at the photos from that day and I cry – and I don’t know why – maybe because my babies were so much younger and so much easier and I’m so scared that the sweet and happy side of my children has been lost in a miasma of anxiety and frustration. Maybe because I am lonely, and as screwed up as my life was then, I wasn’t lonely. Maybe its just not having the anchor of my parents anymore – I think you can decide to move away from your parents, or they can die or you can disown them, but you still know they are there and right now its as though they don’t exist…

Either way – this is what the photo is of. My daughter and her best friend, happy.

And I hope she remembers that.

And I hope that can come back.

And it really bothers me that I can’t remember the shoes she is wearing *sigh*. How bloody April is that.

Photo and Story Meme – Glee

Oh yay, I thought, when I went to Naomie’s Blog at “Under the Yardarm”, Another Blog to read, Glee! and a photo one, and it is beautiful and its a meme and I wonder who has been tagged and oh look..me..ME! GLEE! A post I can do without delving into my mind too much, and its kind of like the note things I used to do on Facebook, way back when I thought Facebook way waay better than twitter and spent *ahem* quite some time each day on it. Ah the follies of youth…anyway…here I am tagged in a photo meme started by Jodie at “Mummy Mayhem” ..and tagged by lovely Naomie, as I said before, but I seem to be in a Pooh Bear sort of mood today – much bumbling and just a little bit of fluff between my ears…so here we go…

1. Open the first/oldest photo folder in your computer library
2. Scroll to the 10th photo
3. Post the photo and the story behind it
4. Tag 5 or more people to continue the thread.

Oh shock – I’m a mum and its a photo of my children :) – This was taken in winter 2008 on my babies first trip to the snow. And it makes me cry. For lots of reasons. So lets hope for a coherent story shall we and maybe if I just contain myself to what is happening in the photo that will help.

We (being I, Bub 1 and Bub 2 (notice how their new psudonyms just did not stick – possibly because I could not spell it) and my then boyfriend/partner/what is the right word when you are over 30? – lets call him Captain Jack Sparrow- just for the coolness factor if nothing else- and the watching of “Pirates of the Carrabian” last night) Anyway, that perenthesis got out of control…

We went to the snow. Had been planning it for ages. Picked the kids up from DOC’s house early, left, drove to Dandenong, stopped as Bub 2 turned green, turned around, made it to the Clifton Hill Macdonalds, had breakfast, bub 2 felt better, so off we all went to Lake Mountain. Only by the time we got there the mountain was closed and there was a waiting line of cars, or so the rumour went in the shop where we stopped to hire taboggons, snow suits and gumboots.

The woman there was lovely and directed us to another mountain where the children happily played in what was essentailly a snow covered car park (at least I’m sure in Summer it is a car park) Sledding over blackberry bushes and building this partially built snowman.

Bub 2 kept eating the snow and they both discovered the fun passtime of throwing the snow at Mum because she throws it back.

And this story has gone down in the children’s mythology.

Not because it was the first time they saw snow.

Not because it was the first time they built a snowman.

Not because They Taboggoned.

But because Bub 2 almost threw up on the way there.

Sigh…

And I can only say ‘only my children’ and shake my head in a tearful, puzzled pooh bear sort of a way…..

(How the hell do you spell “Taboggon” I would not let it win otherwise they would all be ‘Sled”)

Now to tag five others…

DOC from Drawing Dad

Thea from “Do I really Want To Blog”

Josie from “Sleep is For the Weak

Cosmic Girlie from “Journey of the Mocha Beanies and Mummy”

Seraphim from “Ah. The Possibilities”

There we go :) Happy Photo-looking and writing :)

It’s about that time of night….

It’s always Saturday night, whenever I’m exhausted, worn out and past the need for sleep that i feel the need to blog.

When I want to write about all the hundred things that are running around my head in ever decreasing circles.

The things that stop my sleep at night, that make me suddenly pass out in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, that makes me snap at my beautiful girl because she ALWAYS has to have someone watching her, with her, near her, doing everything for her and she-is-ten…

And I can’t.

I can’t because it might make this blog so dark that no one would ever visit it again.

I can’t because I don’t want to show all of the not so good bits of me to the world not yet, and the one time I’ve tried in the last week, I was told I wasn’t doing it the right way.

I can’t because I’m scared I’ll upset or hurt people who read this who have upset or hurt me, and that matters to me.

I can’t.

Just enough to write that I can’t stop crying, for whatever reason my heart has been broken, my trust destroyed and my spirit nearly crushed. and I am just holding on.

Just enough to write that I am so exhausted by constant pain that blinds me to the rest of life. So exhausted by my inability to consume because its the only part of life i can control right now.

Just enough to say that I will blog happily soon again but right now it is Just.Too.Hard.

All of it.

I want to tell amusing tales of my children or acting class, or life outside, or moving to a new state – but right now I am bereft of any…

Maybe next Saturday. Maybe.

Neglected blog and First Days

Dear Blog,

I am so sorry that you have been so greatly neglected over the last few weeks. This has been due to many reasons – the main one being I haven’t had the internet to go to your homepage and do the blogs PROPERLY, I haven’t been able to add pretty pictures, and that would leave you underdressed, for this I am sorry.

During this time you have missed a couple of interesting events…First time ever to try and convince a very reluctant Super of building to call out a plumber on Australia Day as toilet was about to overflow – not our doing – but the amount he ranted about cost and how lucky we were to be signed into a twelve month lease so the owner couldn’t raise the rent to have a working toilet – surely they can’t do that, I’m in Sydney, not, I don’t know, an impoverished part of Africa… houses since the 1900’s have had toilets out the back and nightwatchmen..included in the rent I’m sure..but that Australia day i would have been happy to be back in a National Park with a composting toilet – and that takes a lot. (you know my low tolerance for ‘going bush’).

Another First : The invention of the ‘skink game’ wehave no car, therefore have to walk everywhere, with a 8 yr old and 10 yr old in tow – this often takes 20 times longer than neccesary, especially when it is hot, as it is, in summer – thus I invented ‘the skink game" first child to spot 100 skinks gets an icy pole when we get home…everyone knows where we are now as the children barrel down the road shouting "SKINK" every two seconds and rendering the poor sleeping in the sun little lizards premeturely deaf – but it often gets us home, oh, five minuites earlier than if I hadn’t had the bright idea….

Another first – Bub 1 and Bub 2 started at their new school – their uniform combines the yellow of lines painted on the road and the blue of the Sydney bus company – we will not lose them in a crowd. Bub 1 had a brilliant day, Bub 2 not so good – but we shall see how second day goes tomorrow.

Another First – Along has come Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – leaving me exhausted, achey, headachey and nauseous – it is horrible and I don’t know how to cope.

And the final first – I started my much longed for acting course – I had orientation and got given FREE BOOKS – okay – I paid for them, but not when I was given them so they felt free – and everyone there is just so happy to be there – people have moved from Queensland and Far distant parts of the state to be there so it MUST be good, right?

But the biggest first of all? Living for almost a month (or so it feels) with no regular internet. I miss my tweeps, I miss my blog, I miss reading blogs and I hate watching the little graph count down my remaining internet time…get your act together N**Space – I paid you to transfer the internet and I’d like it NOW please – may be going slightly insane from deprivation..
.
So here for you my lovely waiting for me blog is a picture to make you pretty and a post because you have been neglected – lets hope it all shows up on the page…

because we have been seeing black and white butterflies and blue and black butterflies everywhere :)

Am also thinking I cannot call my Bub’s Bubs anymore – at 8 and 10 they just are not – very sad :( any alternate ideas welcome – am thinking "the Monkey" and "Willfull One" at the moment….

for @porridgebrain who loves toast and deserves this..

Having received this wonderful award from @Gabfran at Law and Shoes (Caveat Calcei) I have been in a fluster.

There are too many blogs that I love, that I admire for different reasons, that I regularly enjoy in the manner of a favorite television show, that I begin to pine for if not posts are forthcoming…

But when it came down to it, I had to go with this particular blogger, for several reasons…

1. I do love her words – they transport me to another world, they make me rejoice or cry and she is so talented with them.

2. Hers was the first blog that I read which was not celebrity written, that inspired me to write my own.

3. She gives us a weekly writing workshop – which I love and my blog would not have survived without and..

4. She is just delightful, lovely, caring and wonderful.

When it came down to it, this award just fitted her and her blog the most.

So, to Josie at “Sleep is for the Weak” here ’tis…

For Josie :)

An award most richly deserved.

Just think – if you can write this well on such minimal sleep, then you are going to be unfathomable-y brilliant when you are regularly sleeping for six to eight hours a night…

Josie ” mostly blogs about her love of writing, being tired, toast and why on earth no-one told her motherhood was this hard.” and I love it all – particularly the toast :)

Now for the fine print – you can accept this award by commenting on this blog, or on yours, but acceptance must occur within 48 hours of receiving notification of award.

You must pass this award on within 5 days of receiving – or something will happen to small puppies wearing Santa hats – I have nothing to do with the puppies, in fact if you ask me I will deny all knowledge of said puppies…but puppies there are…according to The NDM

So, Finally, Thank you Josie, for being such a good twitter and blog friend, for caring, for sharing so much of your life for the writing prompts, for advent rabbit, for making me smile and cry, for just being you and having such a wonderfully unique voice.

And just for you, because I know you love her music…and I love the lyrics and this video rocks :) Alanis Morisette – Hands Clean

Bests of 2009…

Thanks to Colour cubic for best 2009 imge I could find.

This is one of those posts that shouldn’t be happening right now – I should be writing about the wonderful Gabfran and Law and Shoes and how wonderful she is to give me a blog award, and how I feel about said blog award. But that deserves a truly magical and wonderful blog.  But as my mind feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool I am going to copy a blog I saw on Camel Shoes . A truly delightful blog.

And this will sooth my brain because it requires minimal thought…
So here is my Best 31 things of 2009…soon to be followed by my 31 things to do before I am 32…One thing at at time and Gabfran deserves my attention before I do more than one blog…she really rocks :)
Anyway – 31 bests of 2009…particulraly as bests have been hard to find..

1)best book
“Forbidden Fruit” by Kerry Greenwood – brilliant author, love all her stuff all the time – find it here

2)best movie
Not best necessarily, but most inspiring for me was the remake of Fame, I loved how they did it, loved watching it, and it made me happy for at least 24 hours afterwards

3.best song

I have to say it was a tie between Kate Miller-Heidke “I just Can’t Shake it”, “Last Day on Earth” and Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait singing “Lucky”

4.best album

Alanis Morisette – The Collection.  So Rock – Tim Minchin.

5.best destination

Sydney :) definitely Sydney, too much has happened there this year for it not to be.

6. best blog find

Too many of them – look at my twitter lists and my bookmarks on my ever suffering laptop to see why I can’t just pick one – but first blog find, not written by someone well known – Josie at Sleep is For the Weak for introducing me to a whole new world :)

7.best trip:

Most recent one to Sydney which can be read about two posts before this one :)

8. best restaurant moment:

Actually eating at an Italian restaurant in Sydney – first time I’d eaten in one in years :)

9.best moment of peace:

This makes me laugh. actually i think it was on a train coming home from Sydney when I something in my head just clicked and I worked out what I wanted to do with my life.

10.best challenge:

Drama school auditions, and regular blogging :) Both have been wonderful

11.best place:

The beach. Always has been my favorite and my best, as Lola would say, always will be.

12.best new food:

Pitta bread wraps with jarlsberg, Avocado, baby spinach and cucumber. Am eating REAL food :)

13.best change i’ve made:

Ah that one is a bit too much for the blog, let me just say I’ve stopped doing something that while not too bad for me made me and others unhappy. And it isn’t an option for me anymore which is great :) Amazing even when I think of where I was this time last year

14.best tea of the year:

Peppermint.

15.best saying of the year :

Anything preceded by a hashtag, usually as random as possible (oh dear – just said random – #toomuchtimewith9yearold – there – see?)

16.best shop of the year:

Etsy – haven’t bought anything but I LOVE it.

17.best project of the year:

Rehearsing for acting auditions and also trying NaNoWriMo – have never written so much.

18. best learning experience:

Learning to put up boundaries and not to trust so easily – or trying to.

19.best gift:

Not good with ‘bests’ with gifts – no real favorite…

20.best aha! moment:

(I hate this expression, but as it is a origionally used one it must be used in list – I call them a ‘slapping the forehead moment’) When I worked out that I’d be better off without my parents in the country, as much as it hurts now, this hurts more than the damage they routinely do while here.

21.best social web moment:

Meeting such a wonderful group of parents and others on Twitter who are so amazingly supportive and caring and wonderful and hilarious and silly and intelligent and just great- these are people who know me only through my Tweets and my Blog, yet are kinder to me than many people I know in ‘real world’ and are generally far far more supportive. So if you are reading this – YOU ROCK! and I appreciate you!

22. Best Moment with Children –

Being on the manly ferry and freaking out because of turbulence – children held my hands, when it had calmed down took me outside to see the beautiful sea and told me I was brave :) they were amazing.

23. Best item of clothing bought –

The dress I bought for me that Bub 1 ended up wearing to my cousin’s wedding. Beautiful, but I like a skirt i can bend over in (note to self, do more clothes shopping in new year)

24. Best TV show discovered –

True Blood. I love Buffy – True Blood is something completely other and of course with True Blood goes the books that i also love.

25. Best DVD movie watched

– Juno, still, over and over again, Fo’ Shizzle.

26. Best DVD TV series watched –

Firefly, Dr Who (the new ones) and Black Books. I can’t have a best out of them.

27. Best new TV series discovered –

Flight of the Conchords watch them here

28. Best YouTube Clip –

“Beached As” – love it, kids love it and they also love it when DOC says ‘Six Chips’ in a New Zealand Accent :) If you had asked me last year it would have been “Death Star Canteen”.

29. Best thing watched on YouTube –

The hours of Tim Minchin – particularly ‘White Wine in the Sun” and the opening and closing of the comedy festival gala 2007 – very clever man.

30. Best person to be inspired by –

If I was going to go by famous people I have many – Tim Minchin, Kate Miller-Heidke, Alanis Morisette, Naomi Watts, Claire Bowditch – the list goes on and on. In ‘real world’ the many new people I have met on Twitter come in here too – they show me that I’m doing ok at this whole mothering thing and are encouraging amazing and supportive and inspiring in so many ways. If I’m going real world one of my best friends who has just finished his acting degree, gotten an agent and work and is trying to live his dream under extremely difficult circumstances yet still has enough time to deal with my texts :)

31. best resolution you wish you stuck to: I made no resolutions last New Years Eve. I have many to make this year.

There – done – phew – brain is now definitely cotton wool.

And Gabfran, I promise you a wonderous blog full of bells and whistles – tomorrow, when my brain is back :)

Thank you to  camelshoes http://www.camelshoes.blogspot.com/ and http://snobnicky.blogspot.com/2009/12/bests-of-2009.html and http://everyonewantsthis.blogspot.com/2009/12/best-of-2009.html

A Holiday Card for You :)

Thanks to The Dotterel  at Bringing Up Charlie I have been inspired to give all of my blog readers and all of my Twitter followers what I do with obsession every year – that is send out hundreds of Christmas Cards .

Only this year – thanks to Bub 2’s ever improving drawing skills and my slightly greener conscience we are opting for the internet version, which people can print, or not.

Except for family and friends who don’t have computers, or who have low bandwidth or maybe even some who i really don’t like so i want them to know that ‘yes i only spent less than a cent and virtually none of my time or thought on you here is a dodgy picture of a camel who I may feel obliged to send cards to – the rest are getting e-cards.

So here, for you, my new friends, is something very Special Indeed.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Happy Yule. Have a wonderful New Year :)

That awkward age…

Bub 1 is entering a very awkward age. She is ten now, and acting like she is twenty sometimes, fourteen at others and 3 more often that you would belive.

I remember this age – but I was older – It seems to get younger with every generation…For me it was the Christmas I loved “Playing Beatie Bow”, and asked for a china doll and wanted to live in the 1800’s, when I felt out of place and like life just didn’t fit – the end of grade Six. I wanted to be in love and didn’t know what that meant.

She constantly needs hugs (which is lovely, although not so lovely when you are in the shower or carrying something from the stove)

We cannot tell her off for anything as even the slightest indication that she may have done something not ok can lead to one of three responses.

1. The Toddler – Screaming Crying, More Screaming, More Crying…cut to an hour later…Screaming , Crying, sniffle, Sob – try to talk about problem again stupid stubbornparent Repeat from Screaming.

2. The fourteen year old – I HATE you – stomping down the hall, bedroom door slams. Sobbing.

3. The sixteen year old – Silence. “Bub 1, can you answer me?” “murmur” “pardon?” “Yes” (with that GOD, you are just SO embarrassing, LEAVE me alone tone) “so why did you hit your brother/throw that toy out the window/draw on twenty pieces of paper then leave them all over the floor/take your shoes off at school AGAIN/take all the clothes out of your wardrobe” Silence. Repeat, about four times, at the end of which one of us does the fourteen year old – at the moment its about 50/50.

In addition she has started telling her brother what he should eat at dinner, when he should go to bed, to get off the computer, to have a bath etc. Which might be cute was he under one, but as he is 7 and perfectly capable of independent thought he finds this frustrating. As do we. Because then we have a grumpy 7 yr old as well as a grumpy 10 year old because we’ve told her she doesn’t need to parent her brother…

I think that her change between child and teenager (tween – pah – buzzword) is reflected in her christmas list…

Spore (DS game)

Books

Wowie-alive pet polar bear (which will end up like the TechoPup she got two years ago -loved for a day – it died through too much dust collecting on it in May)

Laptop (What for?! I exclaimed – she shrugged “My friend has one”)

Plush toy(But you have so many and you don’t play with them – again – I exclaimed – yes I do, she said, just when I wake up really early and everyone else is still asleep)

Cap that I saw at Kmart (this she has wanted for MONTHS)

Sun Glasses (but only ’cause Mum said ‘Don’t you need sunglasses)

perfume Factory

Elastics (she discovered these the other night with my help – glad she likes that as an idea :) )

Face Paints.(Um – NO – I remember the last time we got some – she was a dog for three months- even at school at 6 that may be ok – not sure at ten?)

She also wants nailpolish and a mobile phone (to call who? Ummmm Dad?) and desperately wants to be grown up enough for a certain female undergarment and to wear makeup – yet has not asked for any, or jewelry, or any of the ‘goth’ (Black) clothes she admires so much when we go shopping.

This point in growing up need special parenting and I have no idea how to do it – I can’t treat her like a child, but she isn’t a teenager yet.

There is no naughty step, grounding doesn’t work as she doesn’t go out much.

Yelling is no go, she doesn’t care about removal of DS, TV or Computer use.

Nothing matters to her very much, except for any pain we or her friends cause her with the wrong words at the wrong time.

It must totally SUCK to be ten.

Tentative Connections…

Josie at “Sleep is For The Weak” gives us some brilliant writing prompts every week, and this week I am bending one slightly to write about something I’ve been meaning to for a while…
So, A dream i have had recently is to find bub 1 inspiration and something that makes her truly happy, and this ties in quite nicely with her end of year concert that I attended tonight.

When I think of my Bub 1, one of the first images of her that comes into my head is of her, dressed as a star, not just any star, but “one of GODS stars”, singing with her friends in an end of year concert when she was in Prep, so just five years old.

It had been a horrible year school wise for her, she had left Kindergarten and we had moved across the country, stupidly expecting the school system to be the same and assuming the local school would have room for her.

Neither was true and our very bright little girl was essentially relegated to another year of kindergarten, which Bored her so much.

She went through three schools that year, ending up at a private Christian College, simply because they had a bus which would get her to school in Perth’s torrential downpours and their curriculum seemed a little challenging.

Anyone who knows me would know that a Christian school would come a distant second to Catholic education in my choices for my children – so you have some idea of how desperate we were.

What we didn’t know, however was that they would spend every day of the term rehearsing a pageant of the creation of the earth – with Adam and Eve, planets, stars etc. Every.Single.Day.

I don’t think we totally believed that this is what she was doing all day, not just the favorite bit we heard about until we attended the concert, in the Churches auditorium where they held their sunday services (yes, that kind of Christian) and the production values were amazing. Like Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat with Jason Donovan in a stadium spectacular.

We grimly sat through the first half, with alternately leaping then bored Bub2 – I and DOC and our best friends exchanging looks and whispering about Darwinism and how to emphasise that to a five year old…and then it was her turn.

Gamely the Preps and Grade ones climbed on the stage, on the scaffolding, she looked for us, saw us but didn’t wave, smiled and then…sang.

My little girl with glitter on her face shone with happiness as she sang of being a Star. And I wept.

It is this joy I have been searching to see in her again since that moment and have not seen, its been hidden by her fears, her developing teen angst, by growing up, until tonight.

Tonight I went and saw my daughter in her school presentation. These presentations are usually rushed together bumph of half written skits, but this one was excellent.

They had programs. With bio’s.

The children had written speeches and debates about animals.

One boy who is an incarnation of Dawson Leary in Grade 5 presented two films he had made, finishing one with ‘fin’.

And my girl…

My daughter took part as puppet master and voice in two pieces about an ant and a possum being interviewed , and gladly ad-libbed when it was required.

She then performed as her character of a Dingo in a play she had helped write and she radiated in a way I have not seen in years.

My daughter shines in the spotlight. My daughter is amazing. My little girl was happy.

My dream for her will be, always and forever that she shines, that she finds someone to make her shine, that she finds the career that lets her feel that joy, whatever that may be. And instead of crying in the performance I am crying now.

My darling girl may you always shine, for you always will to me.