2010 in review- well because if someone has gone to the effort of designing a peice of code that can do this, why not publish :)

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2010. That’s about 24 full 747s.


In 2010, there were 104 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 161 posts. There were 214 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 40mb. That’s about 4 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was June 23rd with 93 views. The most popular post that day was My depression – My wall – Not a “nice” read – may trigger.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were sleepisfortheweak.org.uk, twitter.com, blogger.com, Google Reader, and facebook.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for broken heart, hanukkah, heart, bunnies, and lifeslightlyused.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


My depression – My wall – Not a “nice” read – may trigger June 2010


The Christmas Tree is dead. January 2010


Wordless Wednesday December 2009


The Bunnies of Laughter or You could have Somebody’s Eye out with that! December 2010


About LSU (Because she didn’t realise this would be her screen name and can’t for the life of her work out how to change it) October 2009


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Filed under new year

New Decade. Less dots after title. But still meander-y.

So, this time ten years ago – or rather this time in 2000 it’s almost like my life hadn’t really started, not really, not in all the big important ways…

And I was sane – well saner than I am now…I was as sane as I have ever been might be the way to put it.

And while now I’m not In sane (which strikes me as a rather odd description for someone who is not sane – surely it should be un sane) Ahem – insane in the traditional view of it – you know the slavering mad eyed creature locked in a padded cell thing? (not that that is current and they were probably completely off their trolley from Absinthe or too much opium or something)

Anyway – I am now officially mentally ill – which I wasn’t in 2000. I now have many more problems than I had in 2000, more anxieties, more disorders, more scars.

I was married in 2000 (not in 2000, but by 2000). I’m now not.

I was just (only just) a Mum in 2000 – I now have a 11-year-old and a 8-year-old.

I had dropped out of Uni and not completed one degree in 2000. Now I have done that roughly another 5 times.

I had only lived in Melbourne in 2000. Now I have lived in WA and NSW and Geelong and actually lived in 14 different houses and flats *phew*

In 2000 I wasn’t sure of who I was and what I wanted to do. I now, at least, know what I want to do :)

Since 2000 I have spent a grand total of roughly 13 weeks in hospital – which is far too much by my account.

Since 2000 I have had two worst years, or maybe three, but definitely two including 2010.

In 2000 I kept a diary of sorts – now I blog.

But now,


Now even though I have so many mental diagnoses it takes me about fifteen minutes to reel them off to a doctor I at least know them all backwards, I know they don’t make me me, they are as much something outside of you as the flu (very very bad flu) and do not stop you from being you.

Now I know I am always going to feel what many others may consider “too much” But I like it. I like feeling deep sadness and great joy, and if the sadness often outweighs the joy, well at least it makes the joy all the more precious :)

I’m not married – but because of that have met some of the most amazing people I would otherwise have not had the chance to meet.

The eleven year old and eight year old – my lovely Bub 1 and 2 – I would not trade for anything. ANYTHING. NO MATTER HOW LOUDLY THEY ARE SCREAMING RIGHT NOW…

I have enrolled in a new course, with the possibility of another, and finally realised that maybe I don’t need a degree to do the only thing I really want to do – maybe I just need connections, some more experience, workshops, headshots and an agent :)

I love where we are living now. I have no plans of leaving. For once I don’t want to (although when Bub 1 hits high school it may be necessary but then only to a bigger house.)

Now I am hoping for a decade free of hospitals. Please. Except for minor injuries and broken bones. For some reason that seems okay.

Now, 2011, I am hoping and praying and wishing and anything else I can think of that you will do a darn sight better by me and mine that 2010. Please. Be kind. Give us a year free of trauma? Please?.

So there we are. A decade older, and not feeling it at all. (ha ha (hollow laughter))

May 2011 and the rest of the decade be amazing for you all. May it bring what you want and what you need. May it bring hope and joy and all good things, including gourmet ice cream and cake. And balloons and streamers.

Happy New Year.


Filed under new year

This time….

I thought this time would be different. i thought this time i had a place a belonged. I thought this time it would not be like this.

I was deluding myself, again.

I am alone, again.

i am lonely again.

I am lost again.

Many things I was just starting to value have vanished.

I guess that the new year will be some time to try and desperately cobble together some kind of life. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of aim.

But right now I want to hide in bed. For a very long time.

Only I can’t. There is Christmas. And Family. and obligation.

but thats it.

no joy, just fear.


Only just as I wrote this things got lighter – things were made just that little bit lighter that little bit happier. I don’t think I will ever underrate my extended family ever. They are wonderful and make the possibility of joy so much more real. and then my bubs – well they have their own special brand of joy. So not just fear. Not just.


Filed under Apologies

A Story of a Christmas Type Nature

The glass spheres glittered and sparkled in the candlelight  and he sat before the fire. Bone weary, watching the snow spin as the flames flickered behind the bauble he held, his reason for it all, commitment made long ago.

Curls of wood litter the floor, sharpened tools blunted at rest he is free just to watch.

The small carved figures unperturbed by the movement of the water that surrounded them, the sudden apparent blizzard or the incongruity of snow in the middle east.

The mother a Raphalite goddess this time cradling her near naked child, the father shocked and standing at one remove, leaning towards and yet away and above them all the pinprick of light, visible even against the shadows and dancing beams.

Last year they had been more traditional, some part of him seemed to remember – there had been a donkey and shepherds.

The year before that he based them on the original carving by Francis Of Assisi – or was that the year before? They swam together now, the swarm of years and his eyes grew tired at the end of his nights work.

Gently he placed the family on a wooden stand, watching the snow swirl and settle as his eyes drifted closed, another joyful evening complete and not that much time before the sun would rise.

The hundred rainbows of light shone from refracting spheres, magnifying the internal worlds, no use for them now for another long twelve months.

Each a perfect capsule of a moment in time. In place. A perfect entity. Perfect in their imperfections as if some hand had slipped in the carving of that angle of that roof or that animal’s tail.

Stay, just for a while now, and watch, quietly. See…not a hand moves but – there did you see?

It is snowing. That globe, top shelf left, see, just like when you were little and you took one in your hand and shook it?

watch the snow fly and settle and bury the roofs of the city…

And there – bottom right – look, from here you can just make it out – that isn’t a  reflection, a trick of the firelight, firelight isn’t the yellow of early morning lamp before sunrise

See, see the shadows dance on the wall as the mother walks her baby to and fro, to and fro waiting through the long night for the morning…

And this one?

This one is beautiful isn’t it  you can almost hear the sea as it moves…and yes, yes that man is just having a little sleep on the beach before he goes home.


And why in his suit and tie and angel wings?

I think probably because he was at that party there – see – the one with all the fairy lights and the tinsel?

The one where the people are singing the same carol again and again – yes it does sound an awful lot like that next door….

And why are they called fairly lights? well I think that’s…

Yes, that one over there does look like the big tower you studied in school..

And doesn’t that one over there look just like the front of that card we got last week? All covered in snow and so still. All the roofs and the cars and the….

Yes, that one is all so busy isn’t it – look at the cars go and the trains and the people all rushing to be, be somewhere else…and all those tall buildings, I never realised how many there could be in one place, did you?

And all those lights – they almost look like stars….

The bottom ones look all the same?

Look closer – all different.

But no ones moving there?

They aren’t magic?

But aren’t they beautiful.

Yes, a lovely family.

Yes boys did used to wear dresses an awful lot in the olden days….

But look – there is one where the animals look like they are singing, and there is one where the family are curled together asleep…

Why are they here? How did you think it worked my love, a million children, one night? Doorways aren’t always filled with door.

There, shake the globe again, I know they look like stars don’t they? A hundred snowflakes, snow globes, candles spinning out in all directions oh and see…they are…a million stars against a deep blue sky.

Now sleep…no, not till the morning…no we have rules about unwrapping them you know that….lie down now…close your eyes…listen for the bells.

He straightens slowly from below the tree. The  lights flashed rainbows of light over the globe as he grasped it again, a shelf of captured time to go before he was done.

Returning the smile of the child who had not forgotten. A sudden clatter of hooves, a moment, a breath, then all was still.

And that part of the world began to turn again.

And in its ever changing sphere on a shelf a houses lights go out as a mother climbs into her sheet clad bed, listening to what she hopes will be the final chorus from the party next door.

And twelve tiny reindeer swing up and away, flickering from globe to globe, so they almost seem to dance.

Till once again it is Christmas Day.


Filed under Apologies, being creative

The longest year I have ever lived…


So here we are – almost the end of where it all began.

Almost the end of the end, or the end of the beginning.

And here I am. Still alive. Still able to think coherently. And not in hospital.

So I have a years worth of thanks to get through.

1. Thank you to my family, both immediate and extended, for giving me hope and a reason and a pathway when there was none. You have saved me this year. And I hope you all know who you are. I love you, and truly hope that this is just the start of a closer relationship than was “possible” before.

2. Thank you to friends, mostly remote, who have at various times pulled me through hours or days.

3. Thank you to the sun for still rising and setting and the world for still turning and time for moving on till it has been a year since the collapse began and hopefully soon I’ll be able to rebuild.

But for now there are the holidays which are a blessing and a curse. And then a new year, and the searching for new hope and a way to heal some very old wounds.

So may everyone have at least one thing to be grateful for this Christmas. May everyone find one happy moment, and hopefully much more. And above all may there be peace.


Filed under christmas


Hello my poor neglected blog.

It’s not that I haven’t been thinking of you, I have, really I have, but I’ve also been hurting a lot – so I would either have come here to whine  at you about how much people have been hurting me, and why do people act the way they do, or else with a disconnected mess of head-wool (which is all I have at the moment)

It is the end of the school year.


Ok. This is getting scary now. My little girl is going into grade 6 next year. Grade bloody SIX. I remember that year SO WELL.

And then to High School. But before I need a paper bag to breathe into and several Valium, I’ll just reign all of the mother angst in to write about last nights school break up church service.

Maybe it was because I was used to Speech Night in junior school which was all concerty and special and every year did a song and a skit thing, and the grade 6’s were given their end of primary school certificates and it was all very special and well, kind of huge.

Maybe it was because I was used to a massive Carol service at St Pauls in the city for Senior School with beautiful music and being a part of the choir.

Maybe its just because after growing up around priests and churches I expect a little more.

Maybe I’ve been spoilt by private schools.

I’m willing to take all of this into account.

But at what was meant to be an “End of Year Celebration and Thank You mass for teachers and families who are leaving the school and a farewell for the grade six students” I think it fell, well, pretty flat.

Firstly – no carols – in my book, if you want to keep kids entertained and its near christmas throw in some carols, if you want any parents to sing at all make sure the hymns aren’t all in the highest octave possible. Oh, and maybe make some of them recognisable?

Secondly – overhead projectors *sigh* I have issues with these in churches – always have – have never seen the harm in giving out an order of service and a hymn book for people to follow from their seat – but if the overhead projection is good then go for it – if the slides aren’t that great and aren’t even all on the screen – maybe you need someone else to do it – and no it wasn’t a child who had done it – there is no way even I am that harsh – that would be endearing :)

Thirdly- Unpreparedness – the grade sixes didn’t know what was going on, weren’t sitting together and all looked rather surprised when called out the front to receive their certificate/booklet thing.

And my main problem – the Sermon – not a Joyous you are all wonderful, it’s a happy time of year sermon, not a we’ll be sad to see you go…no…the preist chose to talk about Mikayla Francis

which yes, is very important, and yes, is very sad, but is it appropriate for a service that is meant to be a celebration?

And do children of ages 4 and up need to hear how quickly she died and how she died and how wonderful she was because she said “Heaven will be awesome”?

And the connection between this and the children leaving the school?  non existant.

And now – when those grade sixes look back on finishing primary school and being given their special certificates and their special day they get to remember that a little girl died and thought heaven would be awesome.

I understand why the priest wanted to speak about this – but surely it was something that could have waited until the weekend? surely these children should be allowed one evening that is just about them and not about others?  I mean the service already had a goodly proportion of thinking about others – families brought gifts to be donated to charity and there was a collection for the churches sister parish overseas with in-depth explanation. But half an hour about the death of a seven year old? It was a bit much even for me…

Am I just overreacting in my typical “I know how much it upset me and I’m an adult wouldn’t it suck if I was a child” way? Or should children always have to think of the ‘bigger picture’ no matter what the situation?



Filed under bub 1, bub 2

The Bunnies of Laughter or You could have Somebody’s Eye out with that!

Its all fun and games until....

So, To be completely out of synch with the last few blogs here was the most brilliant moment from today…

Bub 1 and Bub 2 have recently received 2 bunnies.

2 Female bunnies.

One is a big brown furry splodge, the kind of rabbit that would be lying on the couch or the beach, sipping a coffee and watching a DVD on its weekend off (if it were able of human like things)

One is a little black lithe thing – that could quite easily be imagined to be in full “tennis mum” kit every day – with little white skirt, polo shirt, sweatband, wristbands, pom pom socks and all (yes I have an overactive imagination).

And this morning Bub 2 came to DOC with these immortal words “(tennis mum bunny) keeps trying to hump (sloth bunny)”

DOC asked if he was sure, he said yes and upon further questioning Bub 2 decided that they were Lesbian Bunnies. Again – his own words.

So DOC – not being sure if there was such a thing went to check on the situation and upon *ahem* examination they appeared the same.

Which required Googling.

Which resulted in discovering both bloody sexes are the same until the boy gets testicles at any time up to 20 weeks unless you perform some kind of internal exam type thing (am not going to explain – there is a link here if you are that interested – needless to say it feels VERY, VERY WRONG.)

And as it appeared they were both female after that investigation – this required more Googling – which led to a useful page about pairing rabbits by “The Colorado House Rabbit Society”, as all rabbits need friends.

First it told us the “humping” was normal, and could be motivated by dominance (which as Sloth bunny is twice the size of tennis bunny I fully accept) or Sexuality or Affection (which is kind of sweet really and had me thinking, “Oh good I can tell them it’s just the rabbits having a wrestle or a special hug to show each other they love one another or because they are trying to work out who is stronger – you know, as you do, before you remember that your 8-year-old already recognised it as Lesbian Sex)

But then, Oh dear, then I came to the section that made me laugh more than I have in months.

If you follow the link at the bottom of the page to the site, look under “Dominance Displays” there will be  this line which made me fall over (literally) with tears streaming from my eyes…

“Do not allow the male to mount the female’s head if you can’t see her nose poking out from under him.”

Just like that – Bold Italic and everything…And the reason? Not because no rabbit likes to be “mounted” in the head – oh no but because

“If she doesn’t like what he is doing, she may bite his penis”.

I think there is a lesson in this for females everywhere.

(oh, and how do we deal with this rather “tricky” situation of mounting as far as the “Colorado House Rabbit Society” is concerned?

“If he tries to mount her head, push him gently so her nose is sticking out or so he is mounting her shoulder.”

Not just pull him off. No, no that would impair the close bonding developed by a guy trying to shove something into your eye that doesn’t belong there because he can’t tell one end of you from the other)

I just couldn’t leave this gem out – this too had both DOC and I in near hysterics –

“Sometimes the two rabbits will each begin trying to mount each other, causing them to circle, head to tail. This must be broken up immediately. Each rabbit is getting frustrated, dizzy, and angry!” Now tell me that, in abstract isn’t just a little bit funny?

Incidentally – all credit to the “Colorado House Rabbit Society” they have provided a very informative page on the pairing of Rabbits thank you for the info and thank you for the laughter.


Filed under bub 1, bub 2, DOC, QLTMRT