A-Z of me….

Shamelessly stolen from ‘A Giraffe in a Scarf’ A really good blog indeed – pop over there for a read:)

A. Age: 32. Ugh. Feel so old, and like I have missed most of my 20’s somewhere (perhaps down the back of the couch)

B. Bed Size: Double. Rented. New Rented. But still Rented. creepy thought that.

C. Chore You Dislike: Most? Washing Dishes

D. Dogs: None. Want one for my birthday though. I grew up with dogs and I miss them.

E. Essential Start to Your Day: A litre of Cranberry/water mix. And much walking into walls.

F. Favorite Color: Black or Red or Blue

G. Gold or Silver: Silver. I can’t wear gold.

H. Height: 172cm

I. Instruments You Play(ed): Violin, Chello, Oboe, Piano. Oh and the obligatory recorder. And the penny whistle.

J. Job Title: DSP/ Student/ Actor.

K. Kids: Yup. 2. Old now. Eeep!

L. Live: Victoria, Australia

M. Mum’s Name: Elizabet (never Liz, or Lizzie and apparently not Elizabeth anymore…)

N. Nicknames: Nup, none, ever

O. Overnight Hospital Stays: Oh god – so many too many to write here – 10 weeks in one, and about 8 overnights

P. Pet Peeves: Obsession with accuracy that works in someone elses favour ( as in “You were twenty minuites late” “No I wasn’t I was 18” seriously???? that 2 minuites makes the difference how exactly?? Oh and being treated like a child or told to do something as in “You should go to bed now its late” Even if I was thinking EXACTLY that I then won’t. Just Because. So there. :P

Q. Quote from a Movie: hmmmm…too many again.

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: None – but many step ones that I hardly know – essentially I am an only child.

T. Time You Wake Up: Variable. Very very variable. But always at around 7.30am. If I go back to sleep after bacause I didn’t sleep till 6 after that is another thing entirely.

U. Underwear: well yes, I wear it. Never a g-string either. Right now it is (shock) black.

V. Veggies You Don’t Like: Parsnip – looks like a Ogres penis (oh there is a quote from a book that can fill the quote from film slot) also brussel sprouts.

W. What Makes You Run Late: Never me. Ever. obsessed with being early

X. X-Rays You’ve Had: None I think

Y. Yummy Food You Make: scones, cake, toffee baskets oh and a PARTICULARLY NICE cherry and almond christmas cake which SOME PEOPLE choose not to like at all..

Z. Zoo Animal Favorites: little monkeys around heat lamps.

In the spirit of Valentines day

I miss you. I miss us. I miss feeling grown up. I miss feeling independant. I miss coffee and smiles and holding hands and hours of walking and hiding from the cold in warm coats in cars. I miss acting my age and not fifty years older and feeling like I can just be. I miss being loved for who I am not what I am. I miss YOU. I miss the way you made me feel, I miss the way I felt. I miss evenings. I miss city lights. I miss longest of all long nights. I miss years. a year. Single years. I miss.

trying.

Past. Present. Future.

Past. Present. Future.

I broke. I am broken. I will break?

I shattered. I am shattered. I will shatter?

I cut. I am wounded. I will heal. (but I have no hope of that….)

Oh. I was hopeful. I hoped. I am hoping. I will hope.

except…I’m not.

I struggled. I struggle. I will struggle.

Yes. That. Because that is what the world feels like, like being bound too tightly while being shattered inside a muffling cocoon.

I fight at this world at these bonds I look for my glimpses of freedom through the cocoon – a mummy. I am a Mummy – ha – in more than one sense.

I cannot remember a free time now, a time where I could breathe, a time I was not restrained by this weight of binding tape so tight. I can’t look back on that girl that was or the girl that is to be or the woman that may come one day and hope that I make it through becaus e of this.

I am alone, alone and isolated wrapped and muffled world of compulsion and restriction and so so so so so many rules, rules for all my life rules made by my mind, by other, by the world I was brought into by the world my thoughts adapted to and they bind so tightly.

I won’t ever escape.

Never fear I’ve given up on the hope of that now. existance is what it is. it just is. I function. I feel . I laugh . I cry sometimes. I seldom scream anymore – they echo in my head empty …empty like the words that used to come so freely, empty like a glass a cup a good day.

I try. I really, really try. I do. I am I pull and move and yank and try to work my fingers free but the wont move anymore.

I see the light and the shadows and I cannot imagine ever being free or what free feels like.

So. I was restrained. I am restrained. I will be restrained.

Three words that conjugate the same.

Three words that show my world so perfectly.

The unchanging binds and wraps.

I hope no more.

From me to you.

Because I feel the need to do something for someone in the middle of all this natural disaster.

And because I just love the idea.

SO…I got it from <3 Maxabella loves…

who got it from Multiple Mum

who got it from Cate

who got it from Gifts of Seredipity

who got it from Home Revolutions

who got it from Milky Mumma

and this is the idea….

I promise something handmade to the FIRST 5 people who leave a comment here. However, to be eligible, you must repost this message, offering something handmade to 5 other people. The rules are that it must be handmade by you, and it must be sent to your 5 giftees sometime in 2011. Ready, set, GO!

what a year its been….

People have died, close family members are losing things that matter to them and even though it is just ‘stuff’ – ‘stuff’ matters, other close family members have to sit at home knowing their daughters are 1) trapped in Brisbane and 2) have just been though surgery, close blogging friends have lost people, are very unwell and also trapped in the floods and everyone I have no words.

I am sorry but my words have drifted and gone.

So instead I urge you all to donate to the flood appeal if you haven’t already, or if you can’t see your way clear, or just would find them useful – buy a pair of these :-

http://www.flipsters.com.au/content_common/pg-qld-flood-relief.seo where, amazingly, 100% of all online purchases go to QLD flood appeal, so shop for next christmas, for birthday pressies, for anything. Useful and you have helped.

and in words taken from one of the best blogs out there – Under the Yardarm

For everyone, caught in the unbearable.

I came accross a link to Lori’s blog last night on twitter :

RT Every tweet I have, please read, pray or send good thoughts to Lori & family RT @Lori_RRSAHM: I need your prayers.http://goo.gl/fb/6TwtR

 

I had followed her for a while before my blog reading drop off and loved her blog, but now she is in a horrific situation as are her children as is her husband Tony, please pray, offer good thoughts, whatever you can thier way.

So for Lori and anyone else who is caught in the unbareable, the intolerable, the horrific or even just the emotionally or physically crippling this is for you. I wish I could do more. I really do.

 

I know that this blog has been

somewhat of a teenagers dairy in the last six months

but not all has been said

and the true depth of life has not been stated

maybe it should have been.

 

But that will change

from now on I will be truthful if nothing else.

if in pain, through joy, through fear -truthful.

and while I haven’t lied,

I’ve hidden, I’ve tried to make good reading.

but it isn’t.

 

and then I realise how bad things can get,

how bad they could be,

so for all of us,

for the lesser broken.

 

For those caught in circumstances beyond their control

that are ruining their lives

that are just holding it together.

 

For those who deserve so much more

than what is happening to them right now

than what they are exisiting through

because there is no way to live

 

for those heartsore, heartbroken

exhausted and scared.

For those who wake up and just

don’t really want the day.

 

For anyone, anywhere caught in the unbearable

caught in so much less than what they need

or what they deserve,

what they can live through.

 

Today I think of you all

all of you.

I hope for the best for all of the hurt and ill

all of the sorrowful and broken

all of the lost and afraid

 

and I ask you to do the same.

And maybe, just maybe we can change something for someone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of definitions, Harvey Danger and lipstick.

I set out to write this blog to prove to myself that I wasn’t something. That I wasn’t being something that I feel very strongly I shouldn’t. I ended up finding out that I was. So stick with me through the mini dictionary below and we’ll get to a semi-interesting blog-like-thing

–

See, the thing is – I was always quite proud of myself for not being this :-

Jealous

1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

2. a.Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.

b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.

3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.

4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.

5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

–

But if I look at definition 1 & 5 I guess I am...

And I was always very proud for not feeling this :-

–

en·vies

1.a. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

b. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.

–

And I think I’m doing okay there because I don’t….

Yet I was always happy (well relatively happy,  in the sense of “I accept that I feel this way”) to claim this one…

–

par·a·noid

1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.

2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged.

par·a·noi·a

1. A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.

2. Extreme, irrational distrust of others.

*

Yes, Number 2 in the second and both of the first. (thankfully never the 1st in the 2nd)

–

Because well, I am paranoid. And I know why I’m paranoid. And until I’ve worked through all of the stuff that has made me this way then I’m not going to stop being paranoid…

I get paranoid that I’ve said the wrong thing to people in supermarkets,

that other mothers and fathers at school stay away from me on purpose because of how I dress,

that people will automatically dislike me,

I over analyze  every text message for subtext sure that some where somewhere something bad is happening,

I have a hell of a time sending bub 1 and 2 to their friends houses

and think the mailman kept back our christmas mail till today on purpose .

–

I also used to think everyone else in the world had secret meetings at night and planned the next day without me (don’t judge me too much – I was 6) – see – completely paranoid and can see it.

–

And want to change it.

–

But in the meantime how do I stop being jealous?

–

See Jealousy to me is always one of those whispered, evil, wrong person words except when bandied about in lighthearted use – you know “I’ve got that great new dress/shoes/computer/car/agent/job” “oooh I am so jealous”  But see I don’t even say that, so big and bad is Jealous. I say “I have new dress envy” or “agent envy” or “distinct car envy”…you know…bantery…’happy for that person they got a good thing wouldn’t it be great to have but nah not for me’ type stuff…

–

Jealousy is a green eyed snake monster. Jealousy is in big bold capital letters WRONG (hear the echo?)

–

But if I look at it – purely definition based – I think well – maybe, just maybe it isn’t so wrong. Not for me. Not given my history, the situation etc.

–

It’s not good to feel this way but there is a definite chance that I could have good reason for feeling “Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.” and also very good reasons for being a bit “Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity”. In fact I think most people would do at some time or another.

–

So maybe jealousy needs another word.

–

There can be the kind where you just want what that person has and hate them for having it.

–

And then there is the kind where you are scared of what that person wants to take away from you and know that you have no chance going up against them.

–

And that, that is where I have to be okay to be right now.

–

Because that is where I am.

–

(oh and if anyone knows how to make WP spacing work or has suggestions for the 2nd type of Jealousy please let me know?)

“I’m paranoid, I’m paranoid, everybody’s coming to get me….” (just for a bit of teenage angst and because I think it’s the only song I know about it and without it the title makes no sense)

* definitions thanks to http://www.thefreedictionary.com/

2010 in review- well because if someone has gone to the effort of designing a peice of code that can do this, why not publish :)

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2010. That’s about 24 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 104 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 161 posts. There were 214 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 40mb. That’s about 4 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was June 23rd with 93 views. The most popular post that day was My depression – My wall – Not a “nice” read – may trigger.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were sleepisfortheweak.org.uk, twitter.com, blogger.com, Google Reader, and facebook.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for broken heart, hanukkah, heart, bunnies, and lifeslightlyused.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

My depression – My wall – Not a “nice” read – may trigger June 2010
10 comments

2

The Christmas Tree is dead. January 2010
13 comments

3

Wordless Wednesday December 2009
3 comments

4

The Bunnies of Laughter or You could have Somebody’s Eye out with that! December 2010
6 comments

5

About LSU (Because she didn’t realise this would be her screen name and can’t for the life of her work out how to change it) October 2009
9 comments

New Decade. Less dots after title. But still meander-y.

So, this time ten years ago – or rather this time in 2000 it’s almost like my life hadn’t really started, not really, not in all the big important ways…

And I was sane – well saner than I am now…I was as sane as I have ever been might be the way to put it.

And while now I’m not In sane (which strikes me as a rather odd description for someone who is not sane – surely it should be un sane) Ahem – insane in the traditional view of it – you know the slavering mad eyed creature locked in a padded cell thing? (not that that is current and they were probably completely off their trolley from Absinthe or too much opium or something)

Anyway – I am now officially mentally ill – which I wasn’t in 2000. I now have many more problems than I had in 2000, more anxieties, more disorders, more scars.

I was married in 2000 (not in 2000, but by 2000). I’m now not.

I was just (only just) a Mum in 2000 – I now have a 11-year-old and a 8-year-old.

I had dropped out of Uni and not completed one degree in 2000. Now I have done that roughly another 5 times.

I had only lived in Melbourne in 2000. Now I have lived in WA and NSW and Geelong and actually lived in 14 different houses and flats *phew*

In 2000 I wasn’t sure of who I was and what I wanted to do. I now, at least, know what I want to do :)

Since 2000 I have spent a grand total of roughly 13 weeks in hospital – which is far too much by my account.

Since 2000 I have had two worst years, or maybe three, but definitely two including 2010.

In 2000 I kept a diary of sorts – now I blog.

But now,

Now.

Now even though I have so many mental diagnoses it takes me about fifteen minutes to reel them off to a doctor I at least know them all backwards, I know they don’t make me me, they are as much something outside of you as the flu (very very bad flu) and do not stop you from being you.

Now I know I am always going to feel what many others may consider “too much” But I like it. I like feeling deep sadness and great joy, and if the sadness often outweighs the joy, well at least it makes the joy all the more precious :)

I’m not married – but because of that have met some of the most amazing people I would otherwise have not had the chance to meet.

The eleven year old and eight year old – my lovely Bub 1 and 2 – I would not trade for anything. ANYTHING. NO MATTER HOW LOUDLY THEY ARE SCREAMING RIGHT NOW…

I have enrolled in a new course, with the possibility of another, and finally realised that maybe I don’t need a degree to do the only thing I really want to do – maybe I just need connections, some more experience, workshops, headshots and an agent :)

I love where we are living now. I have no plans of leaving. For once I don’t want to (although when Bub 1 hits high school it may be necessary but then only to a bigger house.)

Now I am hoping for a decade free of hospitals. Please. Except for minor injuries and broken bones. For some reason that seems okay.

Now, 2011, I am hoping and praying and wishing and anything else I can think of that you will do a darn sight better by me and mine that 2010. Please. Be kind. Give us a year free of trauma? Please?.

So there we are. A decade older, and not feeling it at all. (ha ha (hollow laughter))

May 2011 and the rest of the decade be amazing for you all. May it bring what you want and what you need. May it bring hope and joy and all good things, including gourmet ice cream and cake. And balloons and streamers.

Happy New Year.

This time….

I thought this time would be different. i thought this time i had a place a belonged. I thought this time it would not be like this.

I was deluding myself, again.

I am alone, again.

i am lonely again.

I am lost again.

Many things I was just starting to value have vanished.

I guess that the new year will be some time to try and desperately cobble together some kind of life. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of aim.

But right now I want to hide in bed. For a very long time.

Only I can’t. There is Christmas. And Family. and obligation.

but thats it.

no joy, just fear.

 

Only just as I wrote this things got lighter – things were made just that little bit lighter that little bit happier. I don’t think I will ever underrate my extended family ever. They are wonderful and make the possibility of joy so much more real. and then my bubs – well they have their own special brand of joy. So not just fear. Not just.